Working Girls

So I've been working.

Before I jump into that I'll catch you up on the last few weeks: Luciana has 2 teeth and is sitting up. And while she can sit, her favorite position seems to be any sort of backbend she can get herself into, which often results in her looking rather like an infant Cleopatra, draped dramatically across my legs. A girl after my own heart (although let's be honest, the girl owns my heart).

And we are adjusting to a whole new kind of day: Mommy at rehearsal for 6 hours 6 days a week kind of day.

What happened: I auditioned for a wonderful play and got cast. Then I cried. And cried. And cried. And almost said No. Left to my own devices, that might have been my answer. But that's what angels, in all their incarnations, are for. I spoke to the woman who leads my Mamas' Group. I spoke to friends who'd gone back to work. I spoke to my husband. I spoke to people at the theatre. And I asked for the willingness to trust my gut despite the horror stories my head wanted to tell me about how hard this was going to be and how my relationship with my daughter would be wrecked. I imagined how powerful it would be for both Luciana and me for me to create an incredible balance of mothering and doing work I love. After being reassured by everyone on the list above that Luciana would be great, and after getting really quiet with myself and discovering that my answer was leaning Yes, though that was the harder answer to give, I accepted. And while I have all but disappeared from my life outside this house and the theatre, I can tell you it was the right decision.

What I will say about it a week into rehearsals:

The first 2 days were SO HARD. She was crying, I was crying. And this is not even with me leaving her all day--we've worked it out so she's at the theatre with me. But just going those 6 hours without more than 15 minutes at a time with her, and worrying that she was going to suffer being away from home all that time made it a very very very tough first couple days.

Since then, and we had Day 7 today, she is THRIVING. We have all morning together, then she comes with me, I see her and feed her on breaks, and the rest of the time she's with either my mom or the phenomenal babysitter we hired. When I do see her she is laughing and babbling, and after we drive home and I cuddle her and put her to bed, she sleeps beautifully --not tormented, this one. As one of my best friends said to me, Luciana's world is getting bigger. She's having the chance to form deep relationships with other people, as well as learning that Mommy ALWAYS comes back.

And as for me, I get to see that this is harder on me than on her: Luciana really is doing beautifully, and I can tell just by how she is that she's not "holding anything against me" or feeling less close to me or having baby stress because she's not in her house all day. My head can get into those fears, but if I check in with my daughter they're just not true. So I'm working on letting them go, and I'm diving into the huge gift this project it. It's my old life meeting my new life. I've never done a play as a mom. I am still figuring out where I work on the script outside of rehearsals, because every moment I'm not working I want to be with my girl. I've pretty much forfeited exercise except for walking with her for the month of rehearsals--I don't want to take the morning time away from her to go get on a spin bike. I've had a couple spells during rehearsal where I am SO TIRED I'm not sure I'll be able to get my lines out in English, and then I do, and I get inspired by what's going on around me, and then I get hit with these moments where I realize I'm living the dream. And I am profoundly grateful to everyone who contributed to this experience being possible.

So what is my point with all this...

The decision to work or not work as a mama, or when to work as a mama---that is, if you don't have to, which lots of people do-- is SUCH A PERSONAL ONE. If you'd told me I'd be doing a show in January I'd have bet our house you were wrong. I just didn't think I'd be ready, she'd be ready, and in fact after I initially auditioned for this one I decided I wasn't ready. I cancelled another audition and planned on taking myself out of the game for a few more months. Then things happened and here we are. Some fears beyond the ones I already mentioned were people judging me as selfish since I don't HAVE to go back to work yet, me somehow damaging the incredible closeness I feel to Luciana, my life feeling totally out of control, sucking in the play because my responsibilities as a mom are so big.....those are a few. NONE of these fears (except for people judging me and I can't know if that's happening or not, so I've chosen not to care) are being played out. I am having a gorgeous time, and I'm able to because Luciana is having a gorgeous time. I love working in my field, and I know that after this I get to be home again for a while.

Some things that are really working for me to anchor our relationship:

making sure we have time every morning where we just PLAY. Not get dressed, not pack the toy bag for the day, just play together.

telling her every morning that we'll be going down to the theatre, that I'll be working, that I'll see her on breaks, that I'll be thinking of her constantly, and on breaks talking to her as well. I know she understands me on some level.

When we get home in the evening, thanking her for being so willing to go on this adventure. And holding her really really close for a really really long time.

I told myself as I was preparing for this process starting that this was Luciana's and my chance to write a beautiful story about this time. We get to tell the tale of mama going to work doing something she loves, and everyone living happily ever after.

It's Upon Us

It's just that time of year. That wonderful crazy sometimes overwhelming time of year. An acting teacher I had in college said something once which I never forgot. He said, "You do the things that are important to you." Meaning there's really no such thing as I Don't Have Time or I Just Couldn't; there's only I Chose To Make Time for Something Else. So I won't say I haven't had time to blog, I'll just say I have not been making time for the computer. I have been making time for Luciana (who has her first tooth poking through! And she's celebrating by waking up every hour from 1-5am), for a little holiday shopping and cooking, for "Dexter" once a week, though never on Sunday nights and I haven't watched the season finale yet so don't tell me what happens, and for, gulp, getting ready to go back to work for a couple of months. I'm doing a play in January/February for which I'm really excited; I'll tell you all about it as well as my process in deciding I could do it, which was, I think, the hardest decision I've just about ever made.

But for now I want to wish you a truly beautiful holiday full of all the stuff a good holiday should be full of. A year ago we weren't even telling anyone other than family and closest friends about Luciana, who was a mysterious embryo--what a year it's been!

I also want to give you a super-easy and very delicious salad which you can bring to any and all holiday potlucks or family dinners. It's so delicious, in fact, and I have so much faith in you being able to tell that when you read it that there is no picture. I am obsessed with fennel, by the way, and this has only intensified my current addiction.

Fennel Salad

in theory 4 servings, but more like 2 in our house

lightly adapted from The Art of Simple Food by Alice Waters

2 fennel bulbs

2T lemon juice

grated zest of 1/4 lemon

1 t white wine or champagne vinegar

salt and pepper

3 T EVO

1 t chopped fennel tops

any or all of these optional add-ins:

parmesan cheese curls

1 1/2 T chopped green olives

2T chopped Italian parsely

celery and/or radishes

Trim tops and root ends from fennel bulbs; save a few feathery leaves for garnish; pull off and get rid of any discolored or dried outer leaves.

Make dressing by stirring together lemon juice, zest, vinegar, salt and pepper then whisk in the olive oil. Taste and adjust as necessary.

Use a mandoline or a very very very sharp knife to shave or thinly slice fennel crosswise. Toss with dressing, adjust seasoning, and garnish with the fennel tops.

Add any or all of those add-ins up there. I'm a big fan of the parmesan/parsley combo myself.

Reminded

Sky and I went to a wedding of a dear friend last weekend. Luciana came with us to the ceremony as that part was at 2 in the afternoon, and she got to wear her first party dress, which was courtesy of a wonderful friend in the fashion world of New York.

It ended up being a really powerful experience for us--being at a wedding reminded us of...US. Of why we're together and what we believe in as a couple and how being in love is such a phenomenal thing. In some ways we're close than ever, but since Luciana has been born there have been certain areas that have gone on the back burner. Make that the burner in the neglected storage closet in the abandoned garage.

Since that day we've promised each other to connect for 5 minutes (minimum) in the morning and 5 minutes at night in a way that's just for us. Not talking about scheduling or even how much we love the baby. Just being us. So many people told us to make sure we keep the romance alive, and we never thought for a second we'd need to work at it. But here we are, low on sleep, high on obsession with our daughter, and both of us juggling a lot. It's easy to put off the daily maintenance of intimacy. Someone said to me, and at the time I thought "yeah yeah I know" but here I am living it: that intimacy needs maintenance and work just like an in-shape body needs maintenance and work, just like a beautiful garden needs maintenance and work, just like a concert pianist's scales need maintenance and work. It feels really good and really right to be giving our attention to us again. I know we'll only have a happier family for it.

us not long after we were engaged. I still have that puffy jacket...

What She Is.....

Somewhere in Luciana's first weeks of life I started talking to her about her Little Body and Big Soul. I think it first came out when I was comforting her---it struck me, and still strikes me daily--- how much feeling and spirit is in her currently 14-lb, 26-inch physical body. Every day it seemed we'd talk about this, and I thought it would make a really cute t-shirt. I also know I am amazingly incredibly inept when it comes to the visual arts: my stick figures don't pass the third grade level. While I can probably write in paint better than create images in paint, I accept my limitations, which I think is a strength, and I did want a shirt that looked like someone older than her made it. So knowing that I had a) a lack of talent in the paint department b)no fabric paint or plain onesie on hand c)no desire to make a trip to the craft store for said supplies, I went to land of all things delightful and handmade: Etsy, where I found Little Dewdrops. I felt when I looked at her other shirts that she'd get why I wanted one that said this for my daughter. I pitched her my design, she said Yes, and Luciana's first custom shirt was born. I also had one made for one of my favorite 3-yr-olds.

I think she knows I'm talking about her.

First Thanksgiving and Four Months

Hope you all have had a beautiful couple of weeks!

We spent Thanksgiving in Taos with my dad, stepmom, grandmother, 2 sisters, and brother-in-law. 'Twas a merry crew.

Luciana's adventures included meeting her great-grandmother (who doesn't want pics of herself online), seeing her first snow

wearing her first mittens (thanks, Karianne!)

and helping Mama catch up on sleep

The altitude affected my little hummingbird, and let's just say the sleeping that happened was not really happening at night. Luckily we were there to completely relax, so sleep or no sleep it was wonderful. And the most profound Thanksgiving ever: I've never been given a gift as marvelous as my girl.

Speaking of sleep, that is one of so many changes happening as Luciana turns FOUR MONTHS. She's following the pattern of her forbearers, and suddenly resisting napping, waking up more at night, and generally so thrilled with the world that she tries to see in all directions at once--she's never fit her Owl nickname more. I suppose she's taking the giant Cognitive Leap they take at this age. There's a wonderful quote by another mom: "every two weeks they give me a different baby". We're going through that. It's not easy, because suddenly I have nothing figured out, but I get to remind myself that she's not the first baby to go through this and I'm not the first mama to feel baffled, amazed, and proud all at once.

She rolled over a couple of weeks ago, but hasn't done it for about ten days. Her efforts, however, are astonishing and getting more and more animated. I think she spent a total of about 3 hours today trying to do it. Her attempts even included grasping a pillow and pulling on it for leverage. She's already an engineer. I have a feeling that when she does it next she'll have mastered it--those first times she couldn't quite figure out what happened.

Her narration has grown from what I interpreted as sentences and short paragraphs to full on novellas. Once she starts, the girl does not stop talking. And the tone she uses as she's telling me she doesn't want to nap is distinctly different from the one used to describe the colors in her favorite painting hanging in the living room which is totally different from the one she uses when I'm doing dishes and she wants me to play with her in the swing. I wish I used as much of my range as she does when she speaks--switching easily from guttural mutterings to operatic squeals. We spend a lot of time just looking at each other, and when she gets still and those big eyes stare back at me I'm speechless at the openness, the peace and the love I see in those pools of blue. She's becoming.....a person. Her person. It's astonishing. It's crazy. It's gorgeous. I say thank you every day.

Pear Bread

My first solid food was a Harry and David pear. It was Christmas, I was 5 months old, and apparently I just went for it. It was another month before my mom officially started me on rice cereal, et al, but it seems I've had a thing for pears since the get go. They always say Holidays to me, since growing up my great-aunt Jennie would send us a box of Harry and Davids. It was a special occasion just to eat one---my dad would watch them like a chicken watches her eggs for the moment they were perfectly ripe. When one was ready, we'd unwrap it from its gold foil or white tissue and there would be a moment of silence when we ate it. I can't eat a pear now without a flash of Thanksgiving and Christmas as a little girl flashing into my head. One could have worse associations.

This week I somehow found myself with several pears almost past the point of ripeness. Don't know how it happened--I guess I overbought. I needed a recipe that wasn't fussy, as I'd be making it on an afternoon it was just Luciana and me. I headed over to Punchfork, typed in Pears, and found this recipe from Smitten Kitchen (whose pumpkin pudding that's up right now is heading to the top of my recipe queue). What I liked about it: I had all the ingredients on hand. It's easy. It gets better after a few days. Very important when one needs a reason not to eat a whole loaf on day 1. She wrote that day 1 was actually not the bread's best day. It was day 2, day 3, day 4 where it really shone. And I have to say she's right. I made it Sunday, it's now Wednesday, and today it's the best it's been. The top is moister, the crumb more dense, the flavors more integrated. If it makes it til tomorrow I can't wait to see what it does. I should also tell you that I made this with Luciana strapped into her carrier, facing out, and she loved it. Her first cake!

If a pear needs to be eaten in any form other than it's raw natural one, this isn't a bad place for it to go. 2 more things working in its favor: kids love it--at least my friends Kate and Kenny's 17-month-old son did, and you can make it gluten-free. I'm not, as I've said, strictly GF, but I go that direction when I can. I went there with this, and I will again. K, enough chatter. Here's what to do

Pear Bread, or Luciana Tries Baking and Likes It

from Smitten Kitchen

3 c all-purpose flour or gluten free flour mix (I use Bob's Red Mill)

1 t baking soda

1/4 t baking powder

1 t salt

1 T ground cinnamon (it's very cinnamony--yum)

1 c chopped walnuts (optional--I didn't use them)

3/4 c butter, very soft, or 3/4 c vegetable oil

3 eggs, lightly beaten

2 c sugar

2-4 ripe pears

2 t vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease and flour 2 9x5 loaf pans or a 10-in tube pan.

Combine flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon in large bowl; mix well with a fork. If using nuts, scoop out 1/4 c flour mixture and combine it in a small bowl with the nuts, coating nuts with flour.

Peel and core pears, and grate them. (if you, like me, end up with a few big bits of pear as you grate, use them too--they make for yummy extra pear-y bites). Should make about 2c grated.

*avoid grating the pears in advance so they don't turn brown!

In medium bowl, combine butter or oil, eggs, sugar, grated pear, nuts if using, and vanilla; stir to mix everything well. (I actually melted the butter a little so it would mix better. You could use an electric mixer too). Scrape the pear mixture into the flour mixture and stir just til flour disappears and batter is evenly moistened.

(Pause while I have a bite of pear bread right now)

Quickly scrape the batter into prepared pan(s) and bake at 350 for 60-70 minutes or til bread is "handsomely browned" (love that), firm on top, and a wooden skewer comes out clean. (Good time to put baby down for a nap and clean up the kitchen)

Cool bread in pan on wire rack or folded kitchen towel for 10 minutes. Then turn out onto plate or wire rack to cool completely, top side up. Serve as is, sprinkled with confectioners sugar, or drizzle with a glaze made from whisking 3T buttermilk, dash of vanilla and 2 c confectioners sugar together (I bet that's good).

Happy start to the Holidays!

New Age

Quickly, my friends:

Today, 11.11.11 marks the beginning of the Age of Aquarius. Moving away from a self-centered age (Piscean) and into one focussed on community and elevating the experience of being human. Much more about coming from the heart. It's been a long time coming.

I'm actually going to take time this morning to meditate, which means GET OFF MY COMPUTER NOW, but it really is a magical day, and if you want more exposure to some of the thinking around it, Golden Bridge is broadcasting one of their workshops today from 10:30-1:30 PST. I'll be tuning in to the parts that I can, Luciana's naps determining.

Love to you all, and hope you have your Hair soundtrack out today. If you've never listened to Hair you have no idea what I mean, but there's a thematically appropriate song in there. If you want something to rock to in the car:)

xoxoxoxo