We were grounded today since my car died two days ago and Daddy and I are sharing his for the moment. It was perfect--we couldn't do any errands or even any outings that require a car, so we took 2 walks, played in the yard both morning and afternoon, had a visit from a wonderful friend, and crawled around the house no less than 15 times. Yes, WE crawled. Not just you. My knees are constantly bruised these days; yours somehow have not a mark.
I've been wanting to write to you for a good week. As usual time is flying by in the beautiful blur that is being your mama. Each moment is so crystalline while it's happening, but suddenly you're 9 1/2 months almost, it's getting near the end of another week, and time feels so fast when I say that. I sit with you to eat 3 or 4 times a day now. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner, and sometimes we're getting wild and throwing in a snack. (You still nurse a lot: we both seem to like it.) You were feeding yourself a couple of days ago--which suddenly is of much greater interest to you than having me feed you---and I was looking at you, offering you bites from a spoon, in a way that was no big deal--we're getting the hand of this. Then I had one of those moments where time freezes and I said to myself "this is my daughter feeding herself". This girl who 9 months ago spent her days lying on me, her daddy, any one of the people who love her and came to visit her, waved her arms and legs a little but couldn't roll, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't digest food. This is my daughter who gets around the whole house now. Who stands and balances and makes the same sound every time she sees a cat. This is my daughter who looked me straight in the eye a few mornings ago and said "mama". This is my daughter who turns the pages of her own books, who takes everything out of everything, who invites me to play by waving her arms and tells me when she's done eating by pulling on her bib. This is may daughter who I see doing these things every day and it's just who she is until I am stunned, stupefied, speechless when time freezes and I say to myself This is Who She Is. This is who you are. And a month from now, if I write something like this, You Now will be rolled into new skills, sounds, interests, expressions. Your face will look just slightly different. You'll have a little more hair. Certain clothes I love to put you in I will have folded up and stored in the garage because they don't fit you anymore.
Nothing has marked the passage of time like being your mother. I won't say I want to freeze time. I don't: I don't wish I could freeze you or freeze me or freeze the magnificent adventure of being with you. But I wish I could expand my brain. So that I remember the exact size of your feet when you were born. So I remember the little wave of your hair in the back as it is now. So I remember the way you move your mouth in a silent "ba ba ba ba" when you're concentrating on standing. Because these are clear to me now, but when you're 18 how will I remember it all? And I want to remember it all.