figs & feathers

Working Girls

2012-01-11T07:10:00.000-08:00

So I've been working.

Before I jump into that I'll catch you up on the last few weeks: Luciana has 2 teeth and is sitting up. And while she can sit, her favorite position seems to be any sort of backbend she can get herself into, which often results in her looking rather like an infant Cleopatra, draped dramatically across my legs. A girl after my own heart (although let's be honest, the girl owns my heart).

And we are adjusting to a whole new kind of day: Mommy at rehearsal for 6 hours 6 days a week kind of day.

What happened: I auditioned for a wonderful play and got cast. Then I cried. And cried. And cried. And almost said No. Left to my own devices, that might have been my answer. But that's what angels, in all their incarnations, are for. I spoke to the woman who leads my Mamas' Group. I spoke to friends who'd gone back to work. I spoke to my husband. I spoke to people at the theatre. And I asked for the willingness to trust my gut despite the horror stories my head wanted to tell me about how hard this was going to be and how my relationship with my daughter would be wrecked. I imagined how powerful it would be for both Luciana and me for me to create an incredible balance of mothering and doing work I love. After being reassured by everyone on the list above that Luciana would be great, and after getting really quiet with myself and discovering that my answer was leaning Yes, though that was the harder answer to give, I accepted. And while I have all but disappeared from my life outside this house and the theatre, I can tell you it was the right decision.

What I will say about it a week into rehearsals:

The first 2 days were SO HARD. She was crying, I was crying. And this is not even with me leaving her all day--we've worked it out so she's at the theatre with me. But just going those 6 hours without more than 15 minutes at a time with her, and worrying that she was going to suffer being away from home all that time made it a very very very tough first couple days.

Since then, and we had Day 7 today, she is THRIVING. We have all morning together, then she comes with me, I see her and feed her on breaks, and the rest of the time she's with either my mom or the phenomenal babysitter we hired. When I do see her she is laughing and babbling, and after we drive home and I cuddle her and put her to bed, she sleeps beautifully --not tormented, this one. As one of my best friends said to me, Luciana's world is getting bigger. She's having the chance to form deep relationships with other people, as well as learning that Mommy ALWAYS comes back.

And as for me, I get to see that this is harder on me than on her: Luciana really is doing beautifully, and I can tell just by how she is that she's not "holding anything against me" or feeling less close to me or having baby stress because she's not in her house all day. My head can get into those fears, but if I check in with my daughter they're just not true. So I'm working on letting them go, and I'm diving into the huge gift this project it. It's my old life meeting my new life. I've never done a play as a mom. I am still figuring out where I work on the script outside of rehearsals, because every moment I'm not working I want to be with my girl. I've pretty much forfeited exercise except for walking with her for the month of rehearsals--I don't want to take the morning time away from her to go get on a spin bike. I've had a couple spells during rehearsal where I am SO TIRED I'm not sure I'll be able to get my lines out in English, and then I do, and I get inspired by what's going on around me, and then I get hit with these moments where I realize I'm living the dream. And I am profoundly grateful to everyone who contributed to this experience being possible.

So what is my point with all this...

The decision to work or not work as a mama, or when to work as a mama---that is, if you don't have to, which lots of people do-- is SUCH A PERSONAL ONE. If you'd told me I'd be doing a show in January I'd have bet our house you were wrong. I just didn't think I'd be ready, she'd be ready, and in fact after I initially auditioned for this one I decided I wasn't ready. I cancelled another audition and planned on taking myself out of the game for a few more months. Then things happened and here we are. Some fears beyond the ones I already mentioned were people judging me as selfish since I don't HAVE to go back to work yet, me somehow damaging the incredible closeness I feel to Luciana, my life feeling totally out of control, sucking in the play because my responsibilities as a mom are so big.....those are a few. NONE of these fears (except for people judging me and I can't know if that's happening or not, so I've chosen not to care) are being played out. I am having a gorgeous time, and I'm able to because Luciana is having a gorgeous time. I love working in my field, and I know that after this I get to be home again for a while.

Some things that are really working for me to anchor our relationship:

making sure we have time every morning where we just PLAY. Not get dressed, not pack the toy bag for the day, just play together.

telling her every morning that we'll be going down to the theatre, that I'll be working, that I'll see her on breaks, that I'll be thinking of her constantly, and on breaks talking to her as well. I know she understands me on some level.

When we get home in the evening, thanking her for being so willing to go on this adventure. And holding her really really close for a really really long time.

I told myself as I was preparing for this process starting that this was Luciana's and my chance to write a beautiful story about this time. We get to tell the tale of mama going to work doing something she loves, and everyone living happily ever after.

It's Upon Us

2011-12-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

It's just that time of year. That wonderful crazy sometimes overwhelming time of year. An acting teacher I had in college said something once which I never forgot. He said, "You do the things that are important to you." Meaning there's really no such thing as I Don't Have Time or I Just Couldn't; there's only I Chose To Make Time for Something Else. So I won't say I haven't had time to blog, I'll just say I have not been making time for the computer. I have been making time for Luciana (who has her first tooth poking through! And she's celebrating by waking up every hour from 1-5am), for a little holiday shopping and cooking, for "Dexter" once a week, though never on Sunday nights and I haven't watched the season finale yet so don't tell me what happens, and for, gulp, getting ready to go back to work for a couple of months. I'm doing a play in January/February for which I'm really excited; I'll tell you all about it as well as my process in deciding I could do it, which was, I think, the hardest decision I've just about ever made.

But for now I want to wish you a truly beautiful holiday full of all the stuff a good holiday should be full of. A year ago we weren't even telling anyone other than family and closest friends about Luciana, who was a mysterious embryo--what a year it's been!

I also want to give you a super-easy and very delicious salad which you can bring to any and all holiday potlucks or family dinners. It's so delicious, in fact, and I have so much faith in you being able to tell that when you read it that there is no picture. I am obsessed with fennel, by the way, and this has only intensified my current addiction.

Fennel Salad

in theory 4 servings, but more like 2 in our house

lightly adapted from The Art of Simple Food by Alice Waters

2 fennel bulbs

2T lemon juice

grated zest of 1/4 lemon

1 t white wine or champagne vinegar

salt and pepper

3 T EVO

1 t chopped fennel tops

any or all of these optional add-ins:

parmesan cheese curls

1 1/2 T chopped green olives

2T chopped Italian parsely

celery and/or radishes

Trim tops and root ends from fennel bulbs; save a few feathery leaves for garnish; pull off and get rid of any discolored or dried outer leaves.

Make dressing by stirring together lemon juice, zest, vinegar, salt and pepper then whisk in the olive oil. Taste and adjust as necessary.

Use a mandoline or a very very very sharp knife to shave or thinly slice fennel crosswise. Toss with dressing, adjust seasoning, and garnish with the fennel tops.

Add any or all of those add-ins up there. I'm a big fan of the parmesan/parsley combo myself.

Reminded

2011-12-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Sky and I went to a wedding of a dear friend last weekend. Luciana came with us to the ceremony as that part was at 2 in the afternoon, and she got to wear her first party dress, which was courtesy of a wonderful friend in the fashion world of New York.

It ended up being a really powerful experience for us--being at a wedding reminded us of...US. Of why we're together and what we believe in as a couple and how being in love is such a phenomenal thing. In some ways we're close than ever, but since Luciana has been born there have been certain areas that have gone on the back burner. Make that the burner in the neglected storage closet in the abandoned garage.

Since that day we've promised each other to connect for 5 minutes (minimum) in the morning and 5 minutes at night in a way that's just for us. Not talking about scheduling or even how much we love the baby. Just being us. So many people told us to make sure we keep the romance alive, and we never thought for a second we'd need to work at it. But here we are, low on sleep, high on obsession with our daughter, and both of us juggling a lot. It's easy to put off the daily maintenance of intimacy. Someone said to me, and at the time I thought "yeah yeah I know" but here I am living it: that intimacy needs maintenance and work just like an in-shape body needs maintenance and work, just like a beautiful garden needs maintenance and work, just like a concert pianist's scales need maintenance and work. It feels really good and really right to be giving our attention to us again. I know we'll only have a happier family for it.

us not long after we were engaged. I still have that puffy jacket...

What She Is.....

2011-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Somewhere in Luciana's first weeks of life I started talking to her about her Little Body and Big Soul. I think it first came out when I was comforting her---it struck me, and still strikes me daily--- how much feeling and spirit is in her currently 14-lb, 26-inch physical body. Every day it seemed we'd talk about this, and I thought it would make a really cute t-shirt. I also know I am amazingly incredibly inept when it comes to the visual arts: my stick figures don't pass the third grade level. While I can probably write in paint better than create images in paint, I accept my limitations, which I think is a strength, and I did want a shirt that looked like someone older than her made it. So knowing that I had a) a lack of talent in the paint department b)no fabric paint or plain onesie on hand c)no desire to make a trip to the craft store for said supplies, I went to land of all things delightful and handmade: Etsy, where I found Little Dewdrops. I felt when I looked at her other shirts that she'd get why I wanted one that said this for my daughter. I pitched her my design, she said Yes, and Luciana's first custom shirt was born. I also had one made for one of my favorite 3-yr-olds.

I think she knows I'm talking about her.

First Thanksgiving and Four Months

2011-11-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

Hope you all have had a beautiful couple of weeks!

We spent Thanksgiving in Taos with my dad, stepmom, grandmother, 2 sisters, and brother-in-law. 'Twas a merry crew.

Luciana's adventures included meeting her great-grandmother (who doesn't want pics of herself online), seeing her first snow

wearing her first mittens (thanks, Karianne!)

and helping Mama catch up on sleep

The altitude affected my little hummingbird, and let's just say the sleeping that happened was not really happening at night. Luckily we were there to completely relax, so sleep or no sleep it was wonderful. And the most profound Thanksgiving ever: I've never been given a gift as marvelous as my girl.

Speaking of sleep, that is one of so many changes happening as Luciana turns FOUR MONTHS. She's following the pattern of her forbearers, and suddenly resisting napping, waking up more at night, and generally so thrilled with the world that she tries to see in all directions at once--she's never fit her Owl nickname more. I suppose she's taking the giant Cognitive Leap they take at this age. There's a wonderful quote by another mom: "every two weeks they give me a different baby". We're going through that. It's not easy, because suddenly I have nothing figured out, but I get to remind myself that she's not the first baby to go through this and I'm not the first mama to feel baffled, amazed, and proud all at once.

She rolled over a couple of weeks ago, but hasn't done it for about ten days. Her efforts, however, are astonishing and getting more and more animated. I think she spent a total of about 3 hours today trying to do it. Her attempts even included grasping a pillow and pulling on it for leverage. She's already an engineer. I have a feeling that when she does it next she'll have mastered it--those first times she couldn't quite figure out what happened.

Her narration has grown from what I interpreted as sentences and short paragraphs to full on novellas. Once she starts, the girl does not stop talking. And the tone she uses as she's telling me she doesn't want to nap is distinctly different from the one used to describe the colors in her favorite painting hanging in the living room which is totally different from the one she uses when I'm doing dishes and she wants me to play with her in the swing. I wish I used as much of my range as she does when she speaks--switching easily from guttural mutterings to operatic squeals. We spend a lot of time just looking at each other, and when she gets still and those big eyes stare back at me I'm speechless at the openness, the peace and the love I see in those pools of blue. She's becoming.....a person. Her person. It's astonishing. It's crazy. It's gorgeous. I say thank you every day.

Pear Bread

2011-11-16T10:02:00.001-08:00

My first solid food was a Harry and David pear. It was Christmas, I was 5 months old, and apparently I just went for it. It was another month before my mom officially started me on rice cereal, et al, but it seems I've had a thing for pears since the get go. They always say Holidays to me, since growing up my great-aunt Jennie would send us a box of Harry and Davids. It was a special occasion just to eat one---my dad would watch them like a chicken watches her eggs for the moment they were perfectly ripe. When one was ready, we'd unwrap it from its gold foil or white tissue and there would be a moment of silence when we ate it. I can't eat a pear now without a flash of Thanksgiving and Christmas as a little girl flashing into my head. One could have worse associations.

This week I somehow found myself with several pears almost past the point of ripeness. Don't know how it happened--I guess I overbought. I needed a recipe that wasn't fussy, as I'd be making it on an afternoon it was just Luciana and me. I headed over to Punchfork, typed in Pears, and found this recipe from Smitten Kitchen (whose pumpkin pudding that's up right now is heading to the top of my recipe queue). What I liked about it: I had all the ingredients on hand. It's easy. It gets better after a few days. Very important when one needs a reason not to eat a whole loaf on day 1. She wrote that day 1 was actually not the bread's best day. It was day 2, day 3, day 4 where it really shone. And I have to say she's right. I made it Sunday, it's now Wednesday, and today it's the best it's been. The top is moister, the crumb more dense, the flavors more integrated. If it makes it til tomorrow I can't wait to see what it does. I should also tell you that I made this with Luciana strapped into her carrier, facing out, and she loved it. Her first cake!

If a pear needs to be eaten in any form other than it's raw natural one, this isn't a bad place for it to go. 2 more things working in its favor: kids love it--at least my friends Kate and Kenny's 17-month-old son did, and you can make it gluten-free. I'm not, as I've said, strictly GF, but I go that direction when I can. I went there with this, and I will again. K, enough chatter. Here's what to do

Pear Bread, or Luciana Tries Baking and Likes It

from Smitten Kitchen

3 c all-purpose flour or gluten free flour mix (I use Bob's Red Mill)

1 t baking soda

1/4 t baking powder

1 t salt

1 T ground cinnamon (it's very cinnamony--yum)

1 c chopped walnuts (optional--I didn't use them)

3/4 c butter, very soft, or 3/4 c vegetable oil

3 eggs, lightly beaten

2 c sugar

2-4 ripe pears

2 t vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease and flour 2 9x5 loaf pans or a 10-in tube pan.

Combine flour, baking soda and powder, salt and cinnamon in large bowl; mix well with a fork. If using nuts, scoop out 1/4 c flour mixture and combine it in a small bowl with the nuts, coating nuts with flour.

Peel and core pears, and grate them. (if you, like me, end up with a few big bits of pear as you grate, use them too--they make for yummy extra pear-y bites). Should make about 2c grated.

*avoid grating the pears in advance so they don't turn brown!

In medium bowl, combine butter or oil, eggs, sugar, grated pear, nuts if using, and vanilla; stir to mix everything well. (I actually melted the butter a little so it would mix better. You could use an electric mixer too). Scrape the pear mixture into the flour mixture and stir just til flour disappears and batter is evenly moistened.

(Pause while I have a bite of pear bread right now)

Quickly scrape the batter into prepared pan(s) and bake at 350 for 60-70 minutes or til bread is "handsomely browned" (love that), firm on top, and a wooden skewer comes out clean. (Good time to put baby down for a nap and clean up the kitchen)

Cool bread in pan on wire rack or folded kitchen towel for 10 minutes. Then turn out onto plate or wire rack to cool completely, top side up. Serve as is, sprinkled with confectioners sugar, or drizzle with a glaze made from whisking 3T buttermilk, dash of vanilla and 2 c confectioners sugar together (I bet that's good).

Happy start to the Holidays!

New Age

2011-11-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

Quickly, my friends:

Today, 11.11.11 marks the beginning of the Age of Aquarius. Moving away from a self-centered age (Piscean) and into one focussed on community and elevating the experience of being human. Much more about coming from the heart. It's been a long time coming.

I'm actually going to take time this morning to meditate, which means GET OFF MY COMPUTER NOW, but it really is a magical day, and if you want more exposure to some of the thinking around it, Golden Bridge is broadcasting one of their workshops today from 10:30-1:30 PST. I'll be tuning in to the parts that I can, Luciana's naps determining.

Love to you all, and hope you have your Hair soundtrack out today. If you've never listened to Hair you have no idea what I mean, but there's a thematically appropriate song in there. If you want something to rock to in the car:)

xoxoxoxo

3 Months

2011-11-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Luciana turned 3 months last Saturday. I'm more smitten than ever.

And it's true what They say about the transition that happens at 3 months. She's been an incredibly alert baby since she came out, and she's only becoming more so. The transitions they talked about, though, didn't include the challenge that happened last night, which is that in her attempts to roll over, her fixation on rolling over--she tries to practice even when sitting in her swing---kept her, and therefore me, up all night.

I've felt so lucky to have a baby that sleeps well. Last night she was a different creature: at first up every hour and a half, and then by 3am it was every 45 minutes. Nothing was wrong, she'd fall right back asleep after cuddling or eating for a few minutes, but finally at about 4:30 I saw what was happening: she was trying to roll and getting frustrated and stuck in her swaddle blanket. Then she'd bust out of the swaddle and freak herself out with all her limbs going everywhere. I brought her into bed then (she sleeps in a co-sleeper which I love and totally recommend), kept her pretty much unswaddled next to me, she rolled onto her side and we both slept til 645. I actually woke up a couple times in there because I was so shocked she was actually sleeping in this new way. Like a big girl.

I wasn't the best sport about the waking up in the night. Yesterday was one of those can't-see-6-inches-in-front-of-my-face-I'm-so-tired days. I went to bed at 9 and was so counting on those hours til 1230 or 1 when she would wake up for the first time. There was, according to Sky, some stomping around the house (I had to get water), and dramatic throwing of the light switch when I went to the bathroom. I can be a real brat when tired. Then this morning, though, when Luciana was all smiles and so happy to play by herself for the 20 minutes I needed to help Sky get out of the house, make tea, wipe off the counter, what They say is also true: the babies are worth every second of discomfort we feel as parents.

As she wakes up more, responds to more stimuli (she loves flying on our knees, she loves singing, she loves grabbing everything but mostly things attached to a human like fingers and hair), a whole new set of feelings come up around Being Enough. Am I fun enough? interesting enough? smart enough? creative enough? for this burgeoning brain? Will she associate me with housecleaning rather than playtime? Does she think I come and go because sometimes I play with her and sometimes I let her be? Does she love her grandma more? Am I modeling ungraceful eating habits because lunch happens when I'm on the floor with her if it happens at all? All of this is totally heightened on the tired days, which even if you have the best sleeper in the universe, as a new parent, they're going to happen.

So what I say to myself this morning, and to any new parents or parents to be if you want to hear, is YES we're enough and none of that stuff above matters when it happens now and then. Not in the long term. I have to remember to think big-picture. "It's not what they eat in a day, it's what they eat in a week" one of my best friends said to me before I had Luciana. And that goes for everything. If I have a day or two or three where I don't feel inspired at playtime; if I have to eat all my meals on the floor for 2 weeks; if I have a morning where I actually do have to work and it's a little less focussed on her, it's really OK. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, but I find that even if I know something I sometimes have to hear it over and over and over again on the days my mind wants to attack me. Not a day goes by that Luciana doesn't get cuddled, kissed, sung to, introduced to something new, even if it's a leaf on a different plant on our block. Not a day goes by that she doesn't hear that I love her, daddy loves her, her grandma loves her, and God (because we do talk about that) loves her. The woman who leads my mom group (I told you I'd keep referencing it) reminded me that it's not our job to give our babies a stress-free life; it's our job to help them deal with and respond to stress in a healthy way. So that little fussy cry when I've been working 5 minutes too much for her is OK. She's going to get a huge hug and see that she's OK when I stop working to be with her, and the next day I don't have to work at all.

Just now, before I wrote this, I put her down for a nap. Based on last night I didn't completely swaddle her: left one arm out as I've read this is the way to start transitioning them out of a swaddle. At first it failed. I left the room, she started to cry; I went back in and she was flailing about. So I pulled the exercise ball (I don't know how parents survived without these) up to the co-sleeper and I held her hand. Put my other hand on her chest and rocked her a little. She startled herself a couple of times when the free arm moved in space, but I found if I let her keep hold of my finger with her fingers and held her hand with my palm, she didn't wake herself up. I've been trying to get back into my meditation practice which I find incredibly challenging to make the time for, so I took advantage of being still and silent with her. I rested my head on the bar of the co-sleeper, closed my eyes, and let my mind open and rest for a few minutes. Then I gently released her hand, rested her arm up in an angle by her ear like you see babies do in pictures (grown-ups learn from pictures too!) and she's still out.

Progress. One day at a time.

My little Yowl

2011-10-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

Luciana was going to be an owl for Halloween.

Instead she is a Yowl.

The card said Happy Owleen. I was all set to pose her in a tree for you.

I probably don't need to say that didn't happen.

Oh, babies. They're just not show ponies.

Happy Hallowen!

Moulin Roty toy company

2011-10-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Here's what it looks like these days:

Luciana naps for 25-45 minutes at a time a few times a day. During said naps, mama either 1)gets a little exercise and /or takes a shower and/or throws some laundry in 2) frets that the house is a mess and tries to clean then remembers that it doesn't really matter 3) returns some emails 4) does a few minutes of meditating 5) handles anything unusual on the horizon that day, ie reading scripts, organizing holiday stuff, cooking for a party 6) tries to blog. Thank you for being patient with me on the short entries that come when they come!

You can see from the subject matter of recent posts that I am baby-shopping-happy.

I discovered Moulin Roty toys when shopping at Eggy recently. I came home with Luciana's first Christmas present

and a wooden train whistle for my nephew Dash. I'm almost overwhelmed by their incredible site, which practically brings tears to my eyes with how much soul the toys have. This one, from the Zazous collection, reminded me of the Velveteen Rabbit (tell me you know too grew up with that book!). I can see Luciana carrying it in its floppy yumminess for years. I could post I think 50 images from the Moulin collections. I'll put a few up, and I invite you to go get lost in the site. Check out their "fun" page where they put up winners of their photo competition--so sweet. The animals you'll soon meet have names like Perlette the Frog, Amedee the Duck, Felicie the Hen. I've been looking for some sweet puppets for Luciana and I think I've found them

Look at these mobiles!!

And below is just a sampling of what you'll find there: musical instruments; wooden toys like this push bus--they also have trolleys, wagons, money banks, wooden rings and rattles ; baby slippers; and more beloved furry creatures. For those of you decorating a nursery this is almost a one-stop shop.

There's even a tricycle

If you search for an online retailer on their site you'll be directed to shops in the UK, but Amazon has some as well as Alex and Alexa, you can order from their actual site, though that international shipping might be a bear, and if you live in the LA area it's just another excuse to get to Eggy on 3rd.

Joyeaux shopping!

Tane Organics

2011-10-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Am I way behind all hip mamas in that I am just now finding out about Tane Organics? I saw some of their stuff when I was in one of my most favorite baby stores and I am head-over-heels. Want to wrap Luciana up in everything they make. And who are the babies on their site?

Hello beautiful beings!

I would love this quartz-colored kimono onesie anyway, but when you showcase it with her?This heart is melting.

I've never seen a henley onesie, and now I'm pretty sure Luciana would be in one 3 days a week.

This sweet dress is what I saw in Eggy and almost fell over. I know this picture is sooooo tiny but trust me: pair it with some leggings? I'd probably try to borrow it.

And of course (because they're so awesome) they have blankets, toys, and the best booties I've just about ever seen.

I approve of the vintage teddy bear, btw.

And because on top of being beautiful, soft, completely organic, and named for the Japanese word for "seed", Tane couldn't stop there. They're also charitable, and the proceeds from every single sale of this globe rattle goes to an organization which funds education in rural areas around the world. It's their I am the World campaign, which of course is the perfect name.

I think my Christmas list will be at least 3/4 Tane organics. I don't ask for things for me anymore.

Reading Material

2011-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've read some incredible articles lately on parenting and want to share two of them with you. I don't think you need to be a parent to find these very very worth your time.

This first one, from the Atlantic monthly, was given to me by the leader of the moms' group I'm in, which is so wonderful. You'll be hearing more about it for sure. Basically this article talks about how as parents these days we can try so hard to tune into our kids and in doing so give them everything they want and need---and indeed believe that this is helping them to find what truly matters to them and makes them happy----but in fact can leave them feeling empty and lost and that something is wrong if they aren't happy all the time. It's a nice counterpart to some other wonderful material that's out there.

How to Land Your Kid in Therapy

This next one might make you cry. For a couple of days. I know the writer from her days in LA; she lives and teaches in Santa Fe now. Her little boy was diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease after his birth--her prenatal tests were negative. It's a heartbreaking yet inspiring look at the power and preciousness of just loving your baby. I'd go get the tissues now if I were you.

Notes from a Dragon Mom

It's beautiful and fascinating to have a whole new realm of reading be top of my interest list. I'd love to know your favorites in this area! Because Luciana and I aren't doing crafts yet, I confess my Marthas from this month and last are sitting there unread. I do plan to get to them this weekend. I'd like to.

I'm Dreaming of a White......

2011-10-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's early to start thinking of winter, especially when here in SoCal we're having another Indian summer and it's almost 90 degrees on the westside. Growing up in South Carolina and now living in LA I can't say I'm a pro at winter. Real winter. I love to romanticize it, imagine myself in muffs and long wool coats in crunchy snow making my way to my chalet where I'll cook stew, serve rich red wine to a table full of friends, and sleep with 4 dogs under a big fur throw. Faux fur of course. No animals have been harmed in the production of this daydream.

In truth I get cold when it's 60 degrees out and don't know how to make a proper snowball.

The Heath seasonal collection, however, might serve as well as a vacation in the Alps, and if I use that as a gauge, is totally affordable....I love the etching, like branches in snow, and the warmth of the interiors.

It's not too early to start dreaming about winter, after all.

bowl of roasted squash and farro, anyone?

surely a neighbor has some bushes with red berries for this......

But for now I'm going to get a popsicle.

10 Weeks

2011-10-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

Halfway between 2 and 3 months. And at 3 months she's not a newborn anymore!

She is now....

reaching for things, especially her green sock monkey Max.

squealing for the fun of it. Sometimes 8 in a row.

talking in paragraphs in her own language. It's astonishing.

rolling onto her side. I catch her thinking about it-her face gets a serious expression--she's really pondering--- and then she does it.

It's crazy. A week or two weeks ago she wasn't doing those things. I'm telling you, I don't need to go the movies anymore (like I could). I just watch her.

It's already going so fast, my darling girl. Every minute of sleep I don't get because you'd like me to be awake is worth it to be with you.

Smock Paper

2011-10-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

I think I've been admiring Smock Paper for a while. But not until this weekend, when I picked up a box of Thank You cards at Kellygreen did I realize it.

(those are the ones I got--how lovely?!)

Now I think I might only buy theirs. Smock is the first bamboo print shop in the US, meaning all this letterpressed beauty is totally eco. Not only is the paper bamboo and the ink vegetable based, the print shop is 100% wind-powered. I am IN LOVE.

Not only can one find adorable occasion cards

but you can design your wedding invite or any other special day--I loved the invite to this event I found on their blog-- they do gorgeous custom work which you can and might want to peruse.

I adore how much color there is and the sometimes vintage, sometimes almost a little kitschy, sometimes completely elegant design. The founder and designer, it turns out, founded Snow & Graham, of which I am a fan. But this has the eco-edge. I'm a devotee in one day. And said founder/designer draws inspiration from, among many other glorious sources, the photos of Julia Margaret Cameron. Deep sigh.

I want their entire page of gift wrap, but with the holidays coming up (did I just say that?) I might not be able to resist some mistletoe

And suddenly I need a new inbox on my desk

Someone take me out of the room. Now. This is getting out of control.

Parenting Lessons at 2 Months

2011-09-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Coco (which we sometimes call Luciana) is 2 months tomorrow

Parenting lessons of the week:

I completely and totally understand how parents stare at their child and say "YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD". There is no way to me Luciana could be more beautiful, more perfect, more adorable, more lovable. And I know every parent is saying the same thing about their baby, and all of us are right.

photo here

Now I know that you always give your child the seat by the window, even if you yourself would love to look out of it. And that this isn't a decision--it's just what happens. My mom said something to me once and I never forgot it--now that I have a baby I know exactly what she means. She said that your child is the person you lie down in front of a train for without thinking. You might do it for someone else---your spouse for instance, or a sibling you're really close to--but you'd think about it before you did it. That's true for me, anyway. With your baby you don't think. It would happen without consideration if that's what needed to happen. It's the craziest feeling. It's just WHAT IS. Involuntary and absolutely willing surrender to her well-being. For me this is wild, unknown, magnificent, and in its own way freeing. I think about someone other than myself all day. So yes, the window, and everything else.

photo here

The Holgasnake

2011-09-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Carmen and I were thrown together as college roommates our freshman year. What a happy twist of fate that was: we've been best friends ever since. Remember my frolic in the poppies? That's Carm, who's also an insanely gifted and wildly creative artist and photographer. She came over last week and we had Luciana photo day. Carm's digital and film photos are gorgeous, and she's actually in the process of building a dark room so in the future I'll be showcasing some of her prints for sure. But she took one of my favorite pics of Luciana so far on her Holga:

Carm brought over that wagon, which her mom pushed her around in as a babe, along with the blocks which we're pretty sure are from the 50s--her mom played with them--and the bear is Boris, who lives in Luciana's nursery. How adorable is this picture??? I love the corners of black, like you're peeking through a keyhole, and how Luciana's happiness is made more so by the fact that you can kind of see her legs kicking in glee. This one might be a framer. I'm pretty sure it is.

Other Holga beauties Carmen's taken:

I love this vintage car slipping like a ghost through the trees

This one hangs in our house: me and Sky at our engagement party, which was a Pink Panther theme

and that's from our rehearsal dinner, which was at an old school Mexican restaurant

and this otherworldly one is downright mystical--the trees almost look like feathers

For more of Carmen's work and for her contact info, visit her website and her flickr stream, where she's known as the Holgasnake. And yes, she'll photograph your baby, wedding, or hike through the woods.

Paulina Quintana

2011-09-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

One of us in this house gets to be fashionable. It's not me. Thanks to Aunt Kristina scoring at a consignment store in Solana Beach, Luciana is decked out below in a bib and diaper cover by LA fave Paulina Quintana. Honestly, when the weather is warm (which, sadly for this outfit, it is starting to not be) what else do you need? A bib for the surprise spit-up and a cover to make the tush look cute.

model pictured with Elijah, an elephant made by writer's mother

I hadn't heard of Paulina, being new to the designer clothes baby scene, but apparently she has a nationwide cult following not only for her adorable, colorful, classy, simple clothes, but for her quintessential un-diaper bag. Which I really want. And at $440 am probably not going to get this week. Unless I find one on ebay, where I am headed as soon as this post is finished.....

Covetable, right?

Paulina is a former teacher, wife of an artist, who started making clothes for her niece before she had her own two babes, and the line was born.

Luciana and I will be making a trip to Silver Lake soon. I might be in the same maxi dress I wear about 4 times a week, but my girl will come home in something like this

I Can Still Make Lunch

2011-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry to be in absentia this week. I thought I'd been spared the new parent blinding fatigue I always hear about. Luciana goes to bed around 6:30 or 7; I go to bed around 9:30, and even though I wake up with her a few times a night, by the time I get out of bed around 6:30 I usually have accumulated 7 or so hours of sleep. Sometimes a little more if I go to bed at 8:45 (has happened) or she sleeps til 7 (has also happened). I've, for the most, part, felt rather, shall I say it, rested. But this week I got slammed. I heard the tiredness was cumulative, but I thought that meant that each day I'd feel a little more tired. For me it was Fine, Fine, Fine, Fine (so I thought I was fine) then BOOM--hit by a truck. I have barely been able to complete a sentence, much less apply myself to something I hope will be semi-interesting to anyone reading this.

Pause for photo-op. Here's my little bird at 6 1/2 weeks, and if I didn't sleep at all for the next fill-in-the-blank- many months she would be worth it.

bloomers a gift from Auntie Kristina from this delicious kids' clothing company

However, I thought I'd share 2 things which I learned this week:

1)you can make a really nice lunch for another mom in less than 20 minutes. I'll show you how.

2) Worrying is just my way of trying to control things. I don't always understand what is going on with my baby, so the illusion is that if I find things to worry about somehow I'll get the situation under control. It's an incredibly draining way to pass the time. I hope that you pass up each and every opportunity to worry that comes your way, baby-related or not.

My friend Julie had baby Otis 12 days after Miss Luciana came into the world. All four of us are Leos, so there are many playdates of the wild kind in the future. I hadn't met Otis and hadn't seen Julie since the babes were born, and they came over for a visit yesterday. If another new mama comes to me, the least I can do is feed her. Here's how to make a lovely lunch on no sleep with very few dirty dishes:

1. Thaw some dried cherry muffins from the freezer you'd made the week before. To make dried cherry muffins, use any blueberry muffin recipe and sub dried cherries. Serve with plum jam (or any jam) and butter. (I am not able to make any more jam this summer that I know of. It's too time-sensitive/I need to be at the stove watching and stirring. My child doesn't nap reliably during the day and yeah right I'm making it at 8 at night. A personal tragedy which I will try to recover from.)

2. Cut some pita bread into triangles and serve with the hummus and olives in your fridge. Maybe some of Desi's preserved lemons if you have a friend make them for you.

3. Place sheep or goats milk cheese (since we all know cow dairy is tough on a lot of babies, mine being one of them) on a plate and serve with truffle honey. Yes, TRUFFLE HONEY.

4. Make these 2 salads:

For the beet one:

Roast beets in the am while you play with baby. Find a moment to skin them before they get too cool. Remember not to touch anything precious while hands are covered in beet.

Quarter beets and toss with whatever vinegar you like--I used sherry--some olive oil and salt. I went crazy and used black salt. That counts for crazy in my life these days. Slice an avocado and gently toss in.

For the corn one---stolen shamelessly from my friend and personal chef Mandy:

Shuck as many ears of corn as you think the 2 of you will eat into a bowl. Add some chopped or cherry tomatoes (I grew these!--the one garden-friendly thing I did this summer), some lime juice (for 2 ears of corn I used one lime) and a small handful of chopped cilantro. You could do avo in this too, but I figured since it was in the beets I'd skip it.

Put all on table and eat while the two babies sleep, one in his new friend's swing, the other in her Moby on Mama.

End of Days

2011-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

photo here

Summer is actually ending. I know by the calendar we have 13 more days, but the light looks different. I always start noticing it in mid-August, always with a pang. I get nostalgic for days that haven't even happened yet, already missing the weeks that lie ahead. This end-of-summer I've been inside more than out, and home more than bounding through the world, but I get the same longing. Longing to stretch these days out as long as I can, take in as much sunshine as I can, even if through an open front door, to sit still in the light in the hopes that time will sit still with me. There's this craving to be in as much of the world as I can, knowing the days are getting shorter and before we know it we'll be hunkering down with blankets and warm socks and big pots of soup. I thought of one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver: "And who will care, who will chide you, if you wander away from wherever you are, to look for your soul?" which is from the poem below. It's the eternal encouragement to make sure my days are being spent in a way that liberates rather than cages me. Might be as simple as stepping outside for a few breaths while it is still summer, and warm and light, rather than checking email again. My mom gave me a beautiful book for my birthday this year, Ten Poems to Set You Free, and I was so happy to find this poem in it. I hadn't read it in its entirety for a long time. I read it to Luciana this morning while she was nursing. I'm going to interpret the smile she gave me as a sign she approves. One of the wonderful discoveries I've made about her is that her feet are so soft they feel like water. So if I can't get to a river to dip my feet in, I can just touch hers.

Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?

by Mary Oliver

Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches of other lives---

Tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey, hanging

from the branches of the young locust trees, in early summer, feel like?

Do you think this world is only an entertainment for you?

Never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides with perfect courtesy, to let you in!

Never to lie down with the grass, as though you were the grass!

Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over the dark acorn of your heart!

No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint that something is missing from your life!

Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?

Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself continually?

Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed, with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?

Well, there is time left---

fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you, if you wander away from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put your coat on, leave your desk!

To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is they mystery, which is death as well as life, and not be afraid!

To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome with amazement!

To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw,

nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the present hour,

to the song falling from the mockingbird's pink mouth,

to the tiplets of the honeysuckle, that have opened in the night.

To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,

and the opening of the window no more difficult

than the wakening from a little sleep.

Only last week I went out among the thorns, and said to the wild roses:

deny me not,

but suffer my devotion,

Then, all afternoon, I sat among them. Maybe

I even heard a curl or two of music, damp and rouge-red,

hurrying from their stubby buds, from their delicate velvety bodies.

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

A woman standing in the weeds.

A small boat flounders in the deep waves, and what's coming next is coming with its own heave and grace.

Meanwhile, once in a while, I have chanced, among the quick things, among the immutable.

What more could one ask?

And I would touch the faces of the daisies,

and I would bow down

to think about it.

That was then, which hasn't ended yet.

Now the sun begins to swing down. Under the peach-light,

I cross the fields and the dunes, follow the ocean's edge.

I climb. I backtrack.

I float.

I ramble my way home.

***

Happy falling.

Ramona Trent family photos

2011-09-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have insanely talented friends--just feel blessed that way. One of them, the lovely Ramona Trent (equally lovely name) takes exquisite photos of mamas, babies, and families. If you're in the SoCal area you might give yourself a gift of a session with her.

Let's travel back in time a couple months...

Recognize that person? Yours truly about 3 weeks before my due date.

This one below is my absolute fave. Am going to (one day in the future when I do house projects again) get it enlarged, printed, and framed.

And here are some from her site that I love.

I think I'm becoming obsessed with family portraiture.

Ramona is a dream to work with, brings all sorts of cool fabrics to act as backdrops if you shoot indoors and want to use them (we did some with her grandmother's antique lace that are too nudey for the internet but that are pretty amazing) , and is one of those photographers that has that treasured virtue called patience, so you're not stuck feeling like you have to make silly faces for the camera and get the shot in the next 2 minutes or else. I so recommend getting in touch with her up if you've been thinking of getting some shots of you or your babe or your family done. She has one package which is 3 sessions with your baby over the course of a year. Is it too late for me to ask for another birthday present?

As I write this, Luciana is asleep in the Moby wrap (my new lifesaver since she doesn't seem to want to nap during the morning otherwise) and making high grunty dream sounds. Where is she in that vast subconscious housed in that tiny head of hers? I don't get to know, but I think she's having quite the adventure.

Raised Corn Pancakes, or how to Lull Your Baby to Sleep

2011-08-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Of course everything now has to come back to the baby in some way, shape, or form.

I did, in fact, cook this weekend! It seems like the family thing to do to make delicious brunch food. I'm not, after all, racing off the farmers market (too crowded for the babe at this age) or to spin class (two more weeks and I may get the green light!) and the mister has a fractured foot so there was no family walk to be had around the hood. I'd made these corn pancakes ages ago, and now that I've rediscovered them, we might be having them every Sunday for a while. They are insanely good, and easily tweak-able to the baby diet (ie no cow dairy among other things). You make part of the batter the night before, but it's easy. I dare say if I was in a position to have 3 cocktails (one day!) I could still swing it. The hubs LOVED them, and he's rather discerning when it comes to brunch. Has to be pretty spectacular for him to opt for something other than an everything bagel with cream cheese and tomato. And he wanted these for an afternoon snack too. Next time I'm going to try them with the gluten-free flour mix from Bob's Red Mill, just because I know my bod likes it better when I eat less wheat.

The babe was fussy in the heat yesterday and would.not.nap. Not good news when you're so tiny. But she was happy hanging out with me, so I made the entire batch of cakes with her over my left shoulder, and by the time I was finished she was sacked out. A double success.

Raised Corn Cakes

adapted from the Wooden Spoon Cookbook

For the night before:

1 c cornmeal

2 c milk--I used goat milk and it's fab

1/4 c warm water

1 packet active dry yeast

1 T honey

1 1/2 c unbleached all-purpose flour

Heat milk just to boiling and add to the cornmeal in a large mixing bowl.

Let cool until warm. Meanwhile, to activate yeast, sprinkle yeast over water and stir in honey.

When milk mixture has cooled to warm, stir in yeast and flour.

Beat well, cover, and let stand for 6-8 hours or overnight.

When you're ready to cook:

1 t salt

1 T honey

2 eggs

1/4 t baking soda dissolved in 2T warm water

2 T melted butter (or soy margerine)

The recipe says to stir them into the rested batter in the above order. I kinda skipped that instruction--not intentionally just didn't see it somehow---and added them all at once and no one was the worse for it.

Cover batter and let stand 15 minutes. Bake on a griddle heated over heat that's somewhere between medium and medium-high. Use 1/4 c batter per cake, and turn only once. Makes about 15, and they freeze great.

And I'm not not going to post pics of my daughter. Especially because she is ONE MONTH OLD TODAY. And she's already helping me fold laundry.

Happy birthday, my angel love of my life.

Dear Baby, I'm not Perfect

2011-08-25T09:00:00.001-07:00

photo here

Before you read this: if you do not have a baby, feel free to sub in anyone you love desperately and want to do right for. Then sub in your own neuroses and ways you feel you aren't enough. It's not a feeling I, for one, have only had with my baby. Though I dare say it was the scariest with her.....

Dear Baby,

I love you madly. more every time you open your eyes and every time you smile or grunt in your sleep or kick your legs around trying to get out of that swaddle. More every time you make that face you make. I love you more than I knew I could love anything.

I was a really imperfect mama today.

And I know. I'm supposed to feel imperfect. Perfection doesn't EXIST. And that should be OK. but it isn't when I worry that I've damaged you for life because I multitasked instead of focused only on you for those 15 minutes that I sat with you and returned some emails. That I don't know whether to wear you--and can't figure out how to make you like the sling when you're awake-- or put you in your chair where you observe what you want to observe. Do I Attach you to me or let you hang out with yourself? Are you bored when you look off into the distance like that or are you meditating?

I don't know what you want all the time and I don't know how to fix it all the time, and when you cry to the point that your voice shakes and your whole body is red, I feel like my heart is being shredded by a pack of tigers and the sky is turning in on itself and swallowing me up and will spit me out where I belong: in a universe where there are no parents because clearly I shouldn't be one.

Sometimes when I try to make you feel better I make it worse. I will probably do this as long as you live. I'm sorry.

I'm scared that since there is success I still want to have, you'll think that if I get excited about your successes you'll think it's me living vicariously through you--that I'm making it about me and my unfulfilled dreams that I want you to carry out; that you'll resent me for this and start therapy when you're nine. Yes, I just went down that rabbit hole and you're 26 days old.

You scream bloody murder when I put you on your tummy for Tummy Time. Do I "respect you" by picking you up or do I play the Mommy that knows what's best for you and let you like there in a pathetic face plant because this will make your neck and shoulders strong and help you roll over but hopefully not off the bed? And will you dream about that tonight and is that wiggling you're doing while you sleep you running away from me, swaddle and all, like a mushroom, in infant dreamland? Tummy Time is so not fun for either of us. So much so that I signed us up for a class about it in hopes we will heal.

I want to respond to your cries right away. And I do. Then I read this could be teaching you helplessness. Help!

You hate the bath. Is that my fault?

I am really really really trying to eat well for you, so is that writhing around on my boob you playing as you work a poop down or did someone sneak garlic into my steamed greens and goat milk yogurt and we're going to be up all night? I bought you baby probiotics. Just so you know.

Dear baby, I have to believe, in these moments of despair, that there is hope for us. Because now you like your changing table, and you do seem happy lying on your back looking at those silly plastic objects dangling from the bars of the playmat. Because my heart swelled a good 3 sizes when you were inconsolable til you were in my arms. Because we look each other in the eye and little smiles play across your mouth. Because now you let me massage you and two weeks ago you were having none. Because I successfully took you to breastfeeding support group, transferred you to car to stroller to room to stroller to car. Because you almost melted down but I changed you in a public bathroom totally hygenically and knew what you needed to keep you happy and at peace. I've never wanted anything more than to take wonderful care of you, and neither one of us has ever done this before. When you sleep and I lie next to you I want to bury my nose in your hair. If I weren't your mother it would probably be creepy how close I want to be to you. So baby, my love, I am writing to you from Planet Imperfect Mama. I'll write from here again. Sending you sweetest dreams as you nap behind me, and trusting all the love I feel for you is getting through, sling or no sling.

Love, Mama

Peaches and the Great Indoors

2011-08-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

It was so incredible to read your comments on my birth story. Thank you so much for all the love and support. To all of you who hopped over from Lovely Morning over the last couple of weeks, it's a treat to have you! Stop by anytime. And to the mamas who shared your experiences and feelings about the whole thing--it really brought home what I'd heard and now know to be true---once a mama, you feel so tied to all other mamas. You made me cry too:)

This weekend Sky and I dove deeper into the rhythms--or lack thereof---of new parents. Whereas prior to having Luciana, we'd be plotting how many outdoor and/or urban adventures we'd have in 48 hours, on Saturday we stayed in our PJs til noon and watched summer out the windows. Luciana, I believe, will love the outdoors; for now she likes small doses of it when she's awake, though we do take long walks with her in the Moby wrap, in which she loves to sleep. That morning, though, we'd all been up at 5:30, so rather than tackling the Venice streets, we rested with her, inhaling her newborn-head scent while we caught up on episodes of Web Therapy (completely hilarious) and The Big C, which managed to make me cry (surprise). I am always bittersweet as the summer light starts to look more like fall, but this time rather than racing to the beach as often as I can, I'm appreciating being warm in tank tops and bare feet as I hang inside, front and back doors open, watching my little one watch the outdoors from our big front window.

I did go a little crazy with peaches in the kitchen, however, peeling and slicing up a bunch of them and freezing them so I can make peach ice cream in December. Then I made my second batch of Bourbon-Poached Peaches from Martha. The first time I made them they were delicious, but I wanted even more flavor of bourbon. Maybe it's because I'm not drinking it yet. All the booze cooks off in this, of course, so breastfeeding mamas, go to town.

This time I reduced the sugar-water portion of the recipe by about a fourth, and poured the bourbon a little more liberally. I think I like this second batch even better. So, as always, tweak to your liking.

My dad visited last week, and he texted me yesterday to wish me and Sky a sweet weekend. And that's what it was. I can't say we're settling into a routine; at this age Luciana doesn't have one, but yes, we're learning to read her better and she's staying awake a bit longer and can entertain herself by looking out if we put her down for a few minutes. She loves the changing table, which at first she would wail on. And of course we made sure to practice, since we're perfecting it, the family nap.

Hope you all had a beautiful one.

Tasting Menu or How Luciana was Born

2011-08-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I started preparing for Luciana's birth many months ago. Over Thanksgiving, when I was about 7 weeks pregnant, I read Your Best Birth, watched The Business of Being Born, and hired my wonderful doula, Ilona.

By the end of the year, I'd read Ina Mae's Guide to Childbirth, interviewed several midwives, and scouted childbirth classes. In January, Sky and I chose our midwife, the extraordinary Debbie Frank, I'd read more books, was journaling to the baby regularly, had modified my exercise accordingly, etc etc etc. I was a prepared pregnant woman and I loved it. As my pregnancy progressed, and we took our childbirth class with Ana Paula Markel, and I read about labor and imagined it, I became really excited about what it could be like to give birth. Sky and friends would ask me from time to time if I was nervous or scared, and I always said No. I wasn't. I trusted my body and my ability to give birth completely. I trusted our baby; that she (though of course we didn't know she was a she) knew what she was doing. I knew I had an amazing team with Debbie and Ilona, and I took really good care of my body, doing prenatal yoga at Golden Bridge, swimming, walking on the beach, counting protein grams daily...(mamas, remember that?)

Monday

My due date, July 24th, came and went, and I was feeling more Braxton-Hicks contractions each day. On the evening of Monday the 26th I wasn't sure I was in labor when I felt waves of achiness in my lower back. After noticing that they came in intervals of about 10 minutes apart, and knowing that some women feel labor in their backs, I called Debbie. She said it might be a false alarm, and it might be the start of my labor, so I should see how/if it progresses and call her if they get to be 5 minutes apart. I had spoken to Ilona as well, so she knew it was a possibility. Sky came home from work, and we hung out on the couch, excited that this might be the beginning. And it was.

My contractions got closer together and a lot more intense. Sky called Ilona around midnight because I couldn't talk through them and was climbing around over the bed finding positions that might help what I was feeling pass more easily. She headed to our house. We called Debbie as well who thought it sounded like things were progressing enough that she came over too. We had the lights dim in the bedroom, which is where I was when they arrived. I'd pictured myself laboring in the open living room at the front of the house, but found all I wanted was to be in or near my bed. Everything about labor is so vivid: I have snapshots in my head of the exact dimness of the room, the exact song Debbie asked about, exactly how it felt having my head rubbed and my hips pressed.

The night got darker and later and my labor got more and more intense. My contractions were strong, about 6 minutes apart, but I never felt them in my belly--they were always in my back and in the sides of my hips. They were strong enough to the point that I was feeling sick. I was trying to connect to the spiritual part of birth, to remember that this was sacred and profound, but I was so nauseated and lightheaded that it was hard for me to do that. I actually fainted in the bathroom as I was about to throw up and Ilona woke me up as I vomited on the floor. The weird thing was that I wasn't progressing. Usually as contractions get stronger one does. I was dilated to 1 1/2 cm and 70% effaced, and I was still there in the early hours of the morning. Debbie felt, though, that our baby was coming soon--that the 27th would be his/her birthday.

However by 8am contractions has slowed way down--back to 10 minutes apart or so---and were mild enough that I could talk through them. It's not unheard of for labor to stop and start, so Debbie and Ilona went home and we all waited to see when it would start back up in earnest.

Tuesday

Sky and I got a little sleep that morning. I'd wake every 30-60 minutes with a stronger contraction, but most were mild enough that I slept through them. Ilona called her acupuncturist who does house calls. He came over and spent 2 hours doing acupressure and needles on me. Ilona went home. I learned then that if I had to, hard as it might be, I could stay still during a contraction. That would be helpful if I wanted to conserve energy, say, at night. We called Debbie and Ilona again, figured this was it, and they came over. Same thing as Monday. Strong contractions got weaker. I dilated to 2 and didn't go past. That night we slept a little more; I never for more than an hour or so: labor never stopped just got very manageable. Again, this happens: early labor goes on for days with some women. Debbie thought it was a little unusual that I'd have periods of such intensity without progressing into active labor, but we felt my body and the baby were taking their time, and all would go full steam ahead when they were ready.

Wednesday

I got super emotional. Went into the baby's/my meditation room and cried and cried. I was scared I wasn't going to go into real labor; I was confused at what wasn't happening; I felt completely powerless over being able to move things along. I knew pressure on myself would most likely keep it from happening, so I prayed to trust, prayed to be on the ride with no expectations, and tried to give myself a break--I'd been pretty much up for 48 hours. Sky and I went down to the beach for a walk which felt so good as I'd spent so much time there walking during my pregnancy. Labor picked right back up. We liked the thought that the baby liked the ocean; could hear it and sense it, and that the ocean was urging the baby out. I couldn't do the walk and found myself hanging onto benches while Sky went for the car. We said a prayer that this was it. We talked to the baby. I talked to my body. Sent love and ease and asked for safe passage for mama and babe. Debbie was at the hospital with another patient who had just delivered, so she suggested we come there. If I was going into active labor, that made more sense than waiting for her to get to us and all of us to get back to the hospital. Sky grabbed the bags, called Ilona who was actually on her way to us, she turned around so she could meet us at the hospital, and I sat through a very difficult car ride. Cars just suck in labor; no way around it. I should say here, too, that still I felt everything in my back and hips. During a contraction, the pressure there would get so strong it felt like my whole back was spasming and nothing but incredibly strong pressure from Sky or Ilona on my hips would alleviate it even a little. But in between contractions the pressure didn't go away. It lessened, sure, from maybe an 8 to a 6, but I'd counted on having breaks in between contractions and when I was in the strong phases of my labor there were no breaks, and I knew this was tiring me out physically and emotionally. I knew I was going to be drawing on all the reserves I had, but I was glad to do it---that's what I'd expected labor to ask of me.

At the hospital I breathed a huge sigh of relief because I'd progressed to 4. Debbie felt we'd turned a corner. This was it. The baby was on the way. As much as I'd wanted a home birth when Sky and I first talked about what our plan would be, I really liked my room at Cedars and felt totally comfortable there. I had my team, our nurse had worked with Debbie lots before and was a huge advocate of natural childbirth, the room was big and sunny, I could get in and out of the shower. The baby sounded perfect on the monitor--through all of this the hummingbird's heart rate had never faltered. Already I knew I had a strong little being on my hands.

By Wednesday evening, though, I'd been discharged. Once again, everything had slowed down, and I was still at 4. This time before we went home, Debbie sat on the end of my bed and told me that if this pattern continued for another 24 hours, I'd need to seriously consider pitocin to advance the dilation of my cervix. The risk we were starting to face was that my uterus could tire out, and if that happened, and it wasn't able to contract strongly enough to get the baby down, pitocin would be a necessity. However, if it was too tired it wouldn't respond to pitocin, and then I'd be looking at a C-section. I understood, but in the moment it felt devastating. All I wanted was to have my baby completely naturally. I didn't want her drugged, I didn't want to not be able to feel her coming out. I, again, was baffled and humbled and shocked that my body wasn't doing what I was so sure it knew how to do. I felt now I had a timeline. I felt a little ashamed with Sky--like I was letting him down too by not being able to do this. All of this was in my head, but it was enough to have me on edge and easily upset. We went home, I tried to eat, we tried to laugh, I didn't succeed at either, but I had a couple of 2-hour stretches of sleep that night and that did help me feel less wound up in the morning.

Thursday

I emailed Debbie and told her I'd slept. She said that was great news: it didn't sound like I was in labor anymore, which meant I didn't have to worry about a timeline. My body was resting, which was what it needed to do. We'd see this baby when it was ready. By about 10, however, I was in the most excruciating pain in my back that I'd ever felt. It was unrelenting, and I didn't think it was labor. I figured my back was exhausted from the 3 days before, and Sky called my acupuncturist and made an appointment with her. My mom drove me as I groaned the entire drive, and on the table in Dr. Hu's office I could tell that what I was in was the strongest labor I'd been in yet. I could feel contractions in my belly as well as my back. Knowing it was labor gave me a little extra stamina, even though it was painful to the point of more tears. Sky picked me up from the appointment and we drove to Debbie's office where I had my weekly appointment scheduled with her.

I was moving over the couch and floor of her office when she walked in. I don't think I'll ever forget the expression on her face when she asked me if I was in labor--I read it as shock which it could have been since I hadn't called her in what seemed to be the most active phase of labor yet. I moaned, "I don't know; I don't know" and she said I certainly looked like a woman in labor. She checked me--still 4---and suggested I head to the hospital and she'd meet us there. My labor seemed to have kicked into a different gear. Of course we found Ilona, who again would meet us at the Cedars entrance. On the way to the hospital after a particularly loud yell through one contraction my water broke. it's unmistakeable when it happens---a warm gush that keeps gushing. Although I was struggling to feel OK in the car, I was thrilled that it had broken, as it seemed the baby was that much closer, and when a man in an SUV tried to cut us off at our left turn to the hospital, I stared him dead in the eye from the car window, gave him a particular finger, and yelled a name at him I won't print here. He let us go.

At the hospital things felt different. I knew the baby would be born tonight or early Friday morning. I moaned and moved into any position I could think of, Sky and Ilona pushed, massaged and held me, I got in and out of the shower, Debbie checked the baby periodically, and the baby was doing great. I knew we were on our way. But at 5:00pm I was still 4 cm. Debbie advised me to get pitocin for the reasons we'd talked about yesterday. I was crushed. I knew, though, that she was right. At first I said I wanted to do it with no epidural---I so wanted to stay connected to my body during this. About 10 minutes later, though, I had to admit to myself that I was being stubborn about an idea I had. I had reached my limit. It had been almost 72 hours, my body was exhausted, I was in crazy pain in my back that was only going to increase with pitocin and I had a long way to go to get to 10cm. I said I wanted an epidural. Sky told me to wait because I'd made him promise that if I asked for drugs to make me wait. I told him, and I remember feeling meek about it, that I had to get help if I was going to get pitocin. Again, I was ashamed, I was so sad, I was humbled in a way I didn't want to be humbled. This was not going according to the beautiful plan I'd written out--not at all. This was not my idea of myself in labor---not at all.

The next 7 hours were one long half-dream. I wanted to curl up inside of myself when I was given the anaesthesia. I didn't want to be me. I didn't want to be here. I was worried about my baby and the effects drugs would have on her. Debbie told me how important it was to rest. So until 2 am I lay in the hospital bed, Sky lay sometimes on the couch and sometimes in bed with me. Ilona went home, Debbie would come in and out. Day turned to night; I half slept here and there. I rested my hands on my belly and I prayed. Prayed that the baby be OK. Prayed that my body open up, visualized it opening like a rose, like the ocean, prayed for the willingness to accept what was going on with an open heart, prayed to surrender ideas I had about what was right. Listened to one of my favorite mantras --Ra Ma Da Sa --over and over (sung by Mirabai Ceiba and if I could play it here I would. It's a beautiful beautiful mantra for healing). I play that mantra for Luciana now when I am helping her get to sleep---it works like magic on her---and it's only in the last day that I can listen without crying. It takes me back to lying in that semi-darkness, talking to Debbie and Sky now and then, waiting and silently begging that my body see this through.

Friday

At 2am I knew by Debbie's face when she checked me that I hadn't changed. So we had the discussion I never thought I'd have. My only option left was to have a C-section. I can't even say that I started crying here. I'd been one continuous leak for hours, sometimes turned up and sometimes turned down. I process lots through crying, and I don't want to give the impression I was weeping through this whole thing out of sadness or hopelessness, but there simply were lots of tears. This journey was requiring me to use every ounce of strength I had physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was being humbled beyond humble, the thing-that-was-never-going-to-happen was happening. Sky and I asked for a few moments of privacy and decided we wanted to try with the pitocin for a couple more hours. Debbie had Oked that. If nothing changed by 4am I'd have the surgery. We prayed, manifested, visualized, hugged each other, talked to the baby, and I tried to quiet my soul. At 4 Debbie came in. I honestly didn't expect it to have changed---I'll say that. I think I had to go to that place so I could prepare myself for what might be happening next. I was still 4cm. She had called my back-up doctor, who I really liked, which is a blessing, and at 4:30, after 9 hours of more pitocin than Debbie said she'd given anyone ever, I was shaved to be ready for surgery and wheeled into the OR.

If one is planning on having a C-section, or if one has to have one as a last-minute surprise, I hope you get a team as lovely as the one I had. Everyone was so kind; the anaesthesiologist was so attentive, Sky and Debbie were with me. The lights in the OR were so bright after all the time I'd spent in low-lit rooms. I had a moment of being sure I was dreaming, that I would be awake any second. The hormones from laboring plus the anaesthesia had me shaking uncontrollably on the table. Debbie kept her hands on my shoulders and my head, and I'd reach up and hold her hand when I needed to. I was trying so hard not to cry. I was numbed, the drape was up, they said I'd feel a pushing and pressure when they were going in to get her; I sent light and grace with my thoughts to the doctors, I felt what they said I'd feel, and at 5:12 am on July 29 our baby was born. The doctors asked Sky if he wanted to "call the baby". He stood up and told me it was a girl. That I'd gotten my girl. I need not tell you that I....cried. Or whimpered. Or something. I had my girl. My beautiful, Sky told me, little girl. I heard her cry; I couldn't hold her right away-- with a C-section they need to suction her immediately. But I could hear that cry that every once in a while she makes here in the house. I think I could pick it out from 10,000 babies' cries. I knew Sky was with her, I knew she had his love around her. I told Debbie to tell him to tell our daughter that everything was OK. It was probably only a few minutes, but nothing I know has felt longer, til I could see her. If half an hour before I'd been sure I was dreaming, now I was awake into a different reality. My baby had been born, and I was waiting desperately to see her.

The doctors told me what had caused the crazy ride this had been: her little head had turned ever so slightly and gotten wedged in my pelvis. No amount of pressure from my faithful uterus was moving her. The angle was slight enough that even in the ultrasound Debbie did on Thursday it was undetectable. But there was no way she would have come out through my pelvis.

Sky brought her to me and lay us cheek to cheek. My hands were still shaking so much I couldn't touch her. All I wanted to do was touch her. I could see her little face, my baby's little face. My hummingbird was of this world now. It's true what they all say: there is nothing like the love you feel for your baby when you hear her, see her, feel her. The doctors finished sewing me up and they rolled me (literally) off the table onto the bed I'd recover in for a couple of hours. Then they gave her to me. I had my girl in my arms, wrapped up like the gift she is. I didn't get my instant skin-to-skin contact, she hadn't fed in her first 5 minutes of life, but she was OK and I was OK and we were starting our life together.

As soon as we were in the recovery room we unwrapped her, placed her on my chest, and she started to nurse. We make sure we spend at least an hour each day lying tummy to tummy no clothes on, and that might be my favorite hour of the day. Because I'd had a C, we were in the hospital until Monday. I'd heard the nurses at Cedars were wonderful, and it was true. As much as I wouldn't have wished for several days in the hospital, there was something magical about being in that cocoon. Our families came by, a couple of friends, I told this story a couple of times and cried through every telling. That's just me. And a lot of postpartum hormones. Other than those few visits, and the frequent check-ups by the nurses, Sky and Luciana and I holed up and we fell more and more in love with her. We hope she's half as much in love with us.

Now we've been home for 2 weeks. Unbelieveable. I've been asked by different friends what happened in our birth, and each time I tell the story I still cry. But it's not because I'm sad about it or have regrets about it. It happened how it happened. Not at all what I planned, and someday I know it will all make sense to me. I get emotional more because it was simply the biggest thing I've ever gone through. I knew having a baby would be. I knew it would change me; I knew it would ask me to go to places I didn't even know I had in me to go to. I just thought the map and the roadside attractions would be very different. Rather than the triumphant warrior goddess breathing her baby out, I was a trembling, teary woman brought to her knees. And that, in its way, is another kind of bravery and another kind of goddess, to have the willingness to be present for something as challenging as it was, and I know that. In a way, I feel this birth required me to be stronger than had I had the one I envisioned. I get to thank myself and thank Luciana for being able enough to undergo 86 hours of labor and a major surgery. At one week post-op I was going on hour-long walks with little discomfort, and Luciana has been thriving. And she does not feel less loved or bonded to for having been airlifted instead of squeezed through the birth canal. It's still a bit surreal to me: I have many moments where I can't wrap my head around the fact that I had a C-section, but I did. What a flesh-and-blood experience of life not going according to my plan.

I joke that I'm someone who always wants to try everything on the menu, and I did that with birth. I labored naturally at home, in 2 offices, on the beach, in the car and in the hospital. I labored with pitocin and an epidural. And ultimately I tried a C-Section. I know what every kind of labor feels like now:) And I know, too, from firsthand experience, that a C-section is still a birth. It is a powerful, brave thing that a woman does to bring her baby into the world. It can be sacred and holy and just right for that child. I also know that while this felt huge to me, and was huge, I have a beautiful healthy baby and I am healthy and here for her. And I am so so so so so lucky and grateful that this is so. Luciana came into the world with her arms wide open, ready to embrace every part of it. I already feel the world is doing that back to her.

Luciana 12 days

2011-08-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my birth story. It's taking me a while. In the meantime, I have nothing to tell you about my life that doesn't involve my daughter. No new recipes, no outings, just cocooned in the baby bubble. So here she is in her first week at home. She's 12 days old now.

Adventures include:

Meeting both grandmas

Having several baths and getting to use what is perhaps my favorite item in the baby layette: the hoodie towel

Ahem, my daughter fell asleep with her hand in the mudra of knowledge.

We love Instagram

especially when our friends fit the 1977 option so well

We take a long time to get out of bed in the mornings, and I usually return there to nap with her once a day. That's her burp face.

She's my angel. Asleep and awake.

She's Here

2011-08-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't run off to Zanzibar.

WE HAD OUR BABY

It's true what they say: sometimes I don't make it to the shower and suddenly it's 8:00 at night. All I can say is that I'm that person who stares at her child while the child sleeps. And somehow the day flies by.

Birth was.....bigger than anything I could have dreamed. I want to tell you the story, and I need to figure out structuring real writing into my day.

But most of all I want to introduce you......

Here SHE is (she's a girl!!!! I knew it!!!!!)

Luciana Arabella Meltzer

pictured here at 3 days old

Born July 29, 2011 5:12 am

a Leo lady born with the lucky new moon

Mama and Daddy have never felt so much love.

She makes us laugh so hard with the noises and expressions that come out of her, and yesterday I spent the day off and on in tears because I love her so much and know, as I knew within the first 3 seconds of her life, that I would die 10 times over for her.

Sky calls newborns feathers with skin. She's becoming less of a feather-she's incredibly strong and has been from the first-- but that delicacy, that precious tiny body with the big life inside it---it's love beyond any scope I know. Sky and I have said to each other in the last couple of days that she doesn't feel new to us. We just met her, but it feels like she's been here all along. All through our time together, perhaps all through my or his life from as far back as we want to go, it's like she's been there, with us, waiting to be born.

All in the Family

2011-07-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I think I'm in pre-labor. Not early labor--I'm not actually feeling contractions--but there are other signs and my lower back is aching and aching in waves. So I'm running a bath, listening to the Relaxing birth playlist as opposed to the Energizing one--I made both--and knowing this could go on for a few days or I could go into labor tonight.

A few days ago I was meditating on the baby---I meditate in the baby's room because it's light and bright and peaceful and a space that I love being in. It's the room Sky and I have done yoga in, the room I journal and read in. It nourishes me, and I like knowing I'm maybe contributing to serenity in there by attempting to seek it in myself, for better or for worse. So I was imagining the spirit that it will be living in our home outside of me soon, and I had a flash of all the history that went into the making of this baby: all the ancestors that have made this person possible, and felt such respect and love for them. Flashed on the generations of my family, and the generations of Sky's. Saw the faces of our parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, great-aunts, imagined people I've never known but who I know are in the family tree. I believe our baby is a soul unto themselves, but that soul is coming into our family, so they are connected to all the people that have made Sky and me who we are, and perhaps share traits and qualities with some of them. We're the narrow neck of the funnel, but there is a wide wide mouth of family above us. As Nina in The Seagull says, "My heart is full of you"--that's how I felt towards everyone in our families--the people I or we have easy relationships with and the ones we don't; the ones we know well, the ones we never met. This lineage of people being focused and directed at this moment into our baby. It felt right and really good, to honor and acknowledge everyone that has come before us, without whom Sky and I wouldn't be here, wouldn't be living our lives, wouldn't be getting ready to experience the birth of our hummingbird. Who I believe is coming very very very soon....

all photos by Sally Mann

this one from here

here

and here

Belly on Blue

2011-07-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

You all know I have the most rad sister-in-law in the world. Amazing designer, crafty person, party planner, blogger, MAMA, and yes, photographer. She popped over yesterday with my nephew and snapped a few quick end-of-the-road belly shots. I LOVE them.

The turquoise wall is the accent wall of our nursery--I promise I'll post pics of the whole house sometime this year--and it's such a perfect photo wall. Who knew? I love that there's one with Sky in it too. He is, after all, a rather key element in this whole journey.

I have some more maternity pics taken by my friend, the beautiful Ramona Trent that I'll be posting once I have a disc. There are a lot of nude ones in that set, though, so most of them won't make it on the internet. I'm picky that way.

So here we are. 40 weeks on Sunday. My birthday is tomorrow, so as of now it's looking like each year we'll celebrate my birthday and then baby's....but anything can happen between now and.....now.

I forgot one thing!!

2011-07-20T11:43:00.001-07:00

If you read what I posted this morning I forgot to say that all the women took the candles they'd brought home with them. My mom will let them know when I'm in labor and they'll light them then. Nice, no? K now you have ALL the details on the blessing.

Blessaway

2011-07-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

38 weeks

39 weeks.....

Each time I post I wonder if it'll be the last time before the baby, who's due on Sunday. I was up Tues morning from 1:30-4am just lying there for no apparent reason. Of course I wondered if something was about to start; it didn't; I finally went back to sleep and we're still here.....

Last week my mom put together something really beautiful for me that if you're having a baby you could ask someone to do for you, or if you know someone who's having one this could be a spectacular gift. She organized a tiny blessing for me and for the baby with a few of my closest friends that will always be one of the most gorgeous afternoons of my life. It's a very different one from the kundalini one I had months ago, although clearly you can see I like a good blessing.

This one is a Navajo tradition called a Blessaway (as in Bless the Way I'm assuming....), and in their culture it's the tribal elders who do this for the new mama; since there's a shortage of elders in our modern community, my mom asked some women that she knows are part of my Tribe. There were 7 of us in total including the baby, who does not count as me:) My mom asked my friends to each bring a candle, a bead or button, and a blessing or poem or prayer for me and/or the baby, and we met for a couple of hours on a warm afternoon.

If this starts to sound hokey, keep reading. I promise you it isn't.

Once everyone was gathered, everyone lit their candles and each person told about the bead they had brought. There was a Venetian glass heart, a carnelian, 2 pieces (coincidentally) of turquoise, and a silver flower. They are for strength, for connection to the earth, for openness, for new passages.....My mom collected them all and the next day gave me a blue silk cord with the beads threaded onto it. They've become a necklace I'll wear in labor and from which I can borrow strength from women that support and love me.

Then they all read the blessing or wish they had brought. I was a weepy mess from before we even began--I was having one of those days anyway and then you add something like this on top of it--and I was a goner. There are no pictures, in fact, because you don't need to see what I looked like after hearing what everyone wrote. They were all so different and all so beautiful. Some wrote their own, some brought poems from favorite writers, one had hers in her head and just spoke it to me which was perfect. My mom, again, collected them and compiled them into a journal for me which will be the place I continue to write to my baby once s/he is born. I've been writing since before conception, but soon enough that book will be full, and I'll have this one to keep for her or for him.

When the ritual part was over we sat around and did what women do well: eat pretty things and drink tea.

It's funny---this week I feel like labor is close because I'm not talkative AT ALL. It's like I don't have a vocabulary for what I'm feeling--the anticipation of the unanticipatable....the knowledge that I know what to do and I have no idea what I'll be doing.....So there's not a lot I'm going to say about this. I hope you get the idea. It meant everything to me to have my friends and my mom channeling their prayers for the baby's and my journey to the next phase of our life together. To be connected as women to the journeys we all make--like we give our strength and love and belief to the one that needs it and then it's given back to us when we do.

One of my best friends in the world who lives in New York and happened to be in town the day we were doing this wrote me what's below for her blessing. If you're a mama, or want to be a mama, or know someone who's starting out as a mama, maybe you'll love this as much as I do.

I wish for you

I wish for you to know your magical connected orbit of wonder, the goddess miracle momma you are

I wish for you to never lose patience when things get spilled by the babe, instead say "no biggie!" so when you spill the babe says to you "no biggie" and that you be proud that you are teaching the lesson of don't sweat the small stuff

I wish for you to never doubt your magic

I wish for you to embrace our family parenting tattoo-ed to wrist mantra THERE IS NO PERFECT

I wish for you many bubble baths with bubble pie tea parties for you & the babe

I wish for you to remember to be super gentle & loving to yourself at 4am; no expectations when in HALT*

I wish for you that when you show the babe each first, you get to see it as if for the first time

I wish for you many many dance parties and car sing alongs that make you giggle with glee

I wish for you that you and Sky forgive each other easily for what is said in the middle of the night when the babe is wailing

I wish for you to never tire of hearing "momma!" or "mommy!" or even "mooooooooooom"--even when it's shrieked by a 15-yr-old hormonal teen in deep sarcastic revolt

I wish for you the easiest latch-on and breastfeeding ever, and if you have a girl, when you are done, you get to see her play with a doll and pretend to feed her with such love & joy & care that you get to see that your babe knows how much you love them daily

I wish for you to let your child awaken parts, dark and light, and let them grow in you in amazing ways

I wish for you that when your babe has temper tantrums, at 2 or 32, you never take it personally, breathe, and love him/her through it all

I wish for you to know it's what they eat in a week, not a day

I wish for you to that you let special childrens' books make you cry, even after 100 readings

I wish for you to be okay with yourself when you just want a day off

I wish for you to fall deeper in love with Sky as he expands to fulfill his role as a papa, and patience with him as he stumbles through it, making choices you might not love

I wish for you that you take in how much he falls head over heels for you again, in a new way, as goddess mama

I wish for you to fall in love with swings, and merry go rounds, and twinkle twinkle little star all over again

I wish for you to be willing to "all fall down" even when RING AROUND THE ROSY is ringing in your head

I wish for you that you giggle and don't cringe when you first hear yourself slip & call Sky "Daddy"

I wish for you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF & remember happy mama, happy babe, happy family

I wish for you to know whatever stage it is that is breaking your heart, driving you crazy, scaring the crap out of you or making you feel worthless, not enough, or like a failure as a parent, that THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I wish for you a child who communicates to you, in their own special way, that they know all you give and teach, and share how much they appreciate it

I wish for you that you actually go on dates with your hubby and DON'T TALK ABOUT SCHEDULING OR THE BABY

I wish for you to laugh and not be ashamed when you recognize a trait in your parenting from your parents

I wish for you to forgive yourself when you don't like the way you parented in a moment, and to remember you always have a second chance

I wish for you the bliss of sleeping with a baby on your chest, and the freedom & joy of getting back your bed with your soulmate

I wish for you to have faith beyond words that YOU CAN DO IT ALL, just on God's time

I wish for you that "I'm sorry" comes easily to all in your family, and it is truly meant when said

I wish for you to remember that anything is possible

I wish for you to trust your gut as a mama, and when you get scared, take a moment, take a breath, and check in with your own heart first, then know there are so many of us waiting to be asked

I wish for you that parenthood makes it even easier to laugh at yourself and be willing to be wrong

I wish for you that you don't get afraid your baby is freezing (or in your case perhaps broiling) to death the first night home, and you actually get some rest

I wish for you that you remember forever the feel of your babe's lap on yours, that it fills you beyond measure, and you relish reading every single word of every story ever told

I wish for you that when everyone says "sleep when the baby sleeps" it doesn't drive you ape shit like it did me and you actually LISTEN

I wish for you to breathe in every moment you can and embrace the moments you thought you couldn't

I wish for you to surrender to the wonder of the escalator, and see a new thing the 50th time you have to go up and down in a day

I wish for you that you know your true friends will never judge you about anything parenting, birth, life, ANYTHING

I wish for you to be amazed at the fullness of heart this person creates, the fountain of love, miracle of it all, and especially to remember that when they are screaming for you at 1am

I wish for you a photographic memory that takes in every magical moment and stores it for the perfect moment to remember

I wish for you to never tire of "WHY?" or eveeeeeeerything

I wish for you that when you see bits of your body changed from pregnancy you smile & glow with the miracle you created

I wish for you a birth story that makes you shine every time you tell it

If you're not familiar with the HALT acronym, it stands for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired: when you're to much of any of those things it's time to take it really easy with yourself.

A few pics of baby's friends just waiting for their master or mistress in the nursery....

Soon soon soon.

Revenge of the Black Prius

2011-07-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen this yesterday. I posted it with glee immediately after I watched it.

This is my friend Delia Brown and her response to the Gettin' Real in the Whole Foods Parking Lot video which I know you saw. If you didn't click here. No one's judging you. And Delia's will make a lot more sense if you've seen the Parking Lot video first.

I highly highly highly suggest you take a giggle break right now on Monday morning. We'll talk about the tempeh tampon later.

Olive Part II

2011-07-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

As promised, the story of Olive....

She'd started hanging around the house in early June and seemed to want to adopt me. Then I had the fiasco with the cat carrier I could not wrangle her into (did I post about that? I forget. It didn't go well) and in the process ticked her off and she stayed away for a few days. This was followed by this week's adventure: I borrowed a humane trap from the Stray Cat Alliance and planned when I'd hopefully and sneakily trick her into entering said trap. I felt slimy already. But it was for her health! I wanted to take her to the vet to get her spayed and vaccinated and de-bugged. After skipping 2 feedings (what I was taught when I got the trap), I put organic wild-caught-super-stinky sardines in the trap (a step up from the organic canned food I've been giving her) and waited. She went in after about an hour. Then I had to listen to her paw and scratch and meow and try to get out. I was traumatized. It was Sunday night, Sky was out of town, and I lay in bed almost in tears. I went out to check on her and that was a mistake-I actually did cry.

The next morning she was no less upset when I picked up the trap, carried it to my car with a cat running back and forth in it which is no easy feat at 9 1/2 months pregs, and drove her to the vet. When we got there I thought I'd be allowed to stay with her--you know, hold her paw or something while they treated her, but no. I had to leave and come back in several hours. I went to the pool, swam, and said prayers for her.

When I picked her up about 3 hours later, the vet told me she'd actually already been fixed. So she belonged to somebody once? Or someone spayed her but never adopted her? I don't know. I wish she could talk and tell me. Maybe we should go to the movie Beginners in there. Or watch Up. There is animal/people communication in those. So I don't know her story. They didn't know, of course, that she'd been spayed til they'd put her under, so the poor thing had to spend another almost 24 hours in the trap recovering from anasthesia. I covered the trap with towels to make her feel cool and safe, was told not to feed her until the following morning, and brought her home. This time she was totally mute, which was almost more upsetting than the raucous meowing she'd done for me the whole ride there. She got de-fleaed and de-wormed, and vaccinated for rabies. THEN, to make me feel like the worst mother ever, I said they could do the "ear clipping" which I thought was something like ear cleaning, because when we had dogs they were always getting stuff in their ears. Only after I got her back did I learn they actually named it for what it is: they clipped a tiny portion of one of her ears to show she's been spayed. I lay awake Monday night for about 2 hours asking her to forgive me for maiming her unnecessarily. I honestly felt SO BAD. Sky was even appalled when I told him, which didn't make it better.

playing "Where's Olive?" which she thinks she is good at

When I let her out of the trap Tuesday morning, I put out the rest of the gourmet sardines---I've always been easy to bribe with food--thought she might be too--but she ran away. Wanted nothing to do with me. And can I blame her? I had visions of us bonding on the front stoop while she ate her first meal in over 24 hours but no. She was mad and I was sad.

she's very serious in front of the camera

The story has a happy ending, however. It's afternoon of that same day as I write this. I came home to her lounging outside the front door, and as I sit on a chair in our front yard, she's cruising around my legs and coming up on the chair to be loved by me. I might have to get some extra sardines since she's been so generous in her willingness to forgive. I have to say here that it's been rather hilarious that in our completely vegetarian household there are now on a daily basis cans of meat products in our fridge. I keep telling Sky that Olive was not raised by a homeopath in Del Mar, and besides, I don't think there is vegetarian cat food, and if there is, I'm inclined to think I should go with nature on this one and feed the girl what her teeth are made for. No one will notice her ear but me, though I'll probably beat myself up over it for a year. But we're good, and I'm completely in love. Now all we have to do is convince Sky she can come into the house. Once baby is settled, of course.

Letting me love her.....

Plums and Olive

2011-07-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

My landlady recently had a juicy harvest of plums. When she texted me to ask if I had any good plum recipes, I sent her this one and let her know that if she had too many and wanted me to make jam I'd give her some of the bounty when it was finished. She took me up on it (we live around the corner from each other) and I made what I hope isn't my only batch of jam this summer. With the hummingbird due in 11 days, it might be. Or who knows--I might think there's nothing better to do at naptime than turn fruit into preserved spreadable summer.

This one is a standby hit: a little tart, a little sweet, of course depending on the plums you use. This recipe calls for vanilla bean, which I use in moderation because I actually don't like too much vanilla flavor in my jam. I added some white cardamom pods because I had them, and they added a little sass. I'd use them again for sure, and if you don't like cardamom leave them out. You could try a cinnamon stick or just use the vanilla. For stronger cardamom flavor, open the pods and crush the seeds before adding, for a milder one throw the whole pod in there and remove when you remove the vanilla bean.

Plum Jam with Vanilla and Cardamom

adapted from Martha Stewart

makes 4-5 8-oz jars

3 lbs red or black plums, halved, pitted, chopped

3 c sugar

6 2 1/2 in pieces lemon zest, plus 2 T fresh lemon juice

big pinch salt

1 vanilla bean, scraped, seeds reserved (you'll be adding both to jam)

5 white cardamom pods, either whole or seeds removed and crushed (see note above)

Bring all ingredients to boil in large pot, mashing with potato masher or wooden spoon. Cook, stirring frequently, until mixture is texture of thick honey (this usually takes me about 20 minutes); let it be chunky: it's yummy that way. Skim foam off periodically and discard. Remove vanilla bean, cardamom pods, and lemon zest. Either pour into clean containers and refrigerate, or can according to your jam jars' directions.

What's the Olive part of this post? My kitty. Yes. MY kitty. I posted about her not too long ago. I've named her Olive, and the saga of our mutual adoption will be posted in detail tomorrow.

Birth Plan and Why We're Having the Baby in a Hospital

2011-07-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Friday already! Love a short holiday week, though I am on a fairly permanent weekend schedule til the hummingbird arrives. Thought I'd share my birth plan today. I found it so helpful when I was writing mine to read other women's, and I definitely borrowed from them as well as got help from my midwife when I brought it to our appointment this week for her to read.

We are having a midwife, Debbie Frank attend the birth. Debbie has been a midwife for 30 years, has had, at different times in her practice, exclusively home or hospital births, and now she does both. She's the only one in LA that I could fine that does. I heard of her through my doula, Ilona, who I adore and completely recommend. Sky and I chose to work with Debbie when we couldn't decide on home or hospital birth. We loved her from the first meeting, and didn't need to give her a decision about home or hospital til 34 weeks. We decided long before that, though. I was very gung-ho for delivering at home, and Sky was too, for the most part, yet there was a little nagging part of him that kept saying "What if...." What IF we're the 1 in 1000 that has a crazy scary complication and we can't get to the hospital fast enough and.....too scary to keep thinking about. We talked a lot about it, and ultimately decided we would have this first baby at the hospital. I was incredibly resistant, because it's essential to me that birth me private, intimate, with no large crowds of hospital staff I've never met before. Space is really important to me, and the sterile impersonal room of a hospital felt like the antithesis of my birthing dream. Ultimately, what I decided however, is that it's most important to me that Sky be relaxed. If he were to be tense and scared I knew my labor would stall and I'd end up in the hospital anyway. Listening to him and how secure he felt being with Debbie and ultimately delivering at Cedars, I said OK.

I took a tour of Cedars, came back with a list of 25 questions for Debbie about procedures there, and was reassured that when you work with her there it's different. She'll come to our house first and be with us as I labor at home. When it's time to go to the hospital, she calls and says we're on our way, they get a room ready, and when we get there it's her, us, Ilona, and a nurse. That's it. As with any hospital, I can bring scents and pillows and music and photos and anything else I want to make the room feel more like mine. I don't get evaluated in their evaluation room, and Debbie and I have worked out ahead of time monitoring, IVs, etc. Once I had a day of mourning the letting-go of my home-birth vision, I started to visualize the hospital, how we'll make it personal, and to actually feel excited that for that first night of the baby's life someone is going to be checking on us repeatedly and letting us know everything is OK. Plus we're near Joan's on Third, which whoever comes to visit us in the hospital first has to bring us.

So that being said, here's my plan. There are certain things that I don't have on mine because Debbie will be with me and we know that. If I was in a practice where I didn't know who would be delivering the baby, or I was in a more traditional medical model, I might have chosen to include things like wanting to push in different positions, delaying cutting and clamping of the cord, skin-to-skin contact immediately, and that we're exclusively breast-feeding. What's on this plan is what Debbie and I agree it's helpful for the nurses to know specifically regarding labor and delivery.

Birth Plan for Melanie

photo from here and yes, I do need chalkboard paint so I can do this

Barring complications, Sky and I are planning for a natural labor and delivery with no medical interventions or augmentations. Thank you so much for your support and help.

*I understand the baby needs to be monitored. I prefer intermittent monitoring with the Doppler.

*I am not planning on taking any pain medication or having an epidural. Please help me to avoid them, and please do not offer them to me.

*Please do not ask me to "assign a number to my pain". (this is something nurses at Cedars are told to do: rate pain on a scale from 1-10. This is a cerebral exercise and birth is anything but. Asking to skip this lets the nurses off the hook and saves me from an intellectual exercise I have no interest in doing)

*I wish to move around freely; to eat lightly if I feel hungry, to drink if I feel thirsty.

*I do not want an IV or a hep lock. If, out of medical necessity, the need for one arises, please place a hep lock rather than an IV if I do not need continuous fluids or medication.

*I wish to deny active management of the third stage of labor, and would like that pitocin not be given to me to speed up the delivery of the placenta. (This is a state of California law that they offer pitocin to speed up placenta delivery. But you can deny it.)

*We are choosing to decline the erithromycin eye ointment, and I understand that I need to sign a waiver certifying this.

*We are choosing to decline the Vitamin K injection. (We're giving the baby oral Vitamin K which you can find at the Birth Sanctuary, as well as online)

*We do not wish to be separated from our baby. If the baby needs to be taken from me for medical intervention, Sky will accompany the baby at all times.

We understand that these are our wishes and not guarantees. Thank you again for your help!!!!

I'm going to bring a stash of mom's cookies for the nurses---I hear from every woman that bringing treats is a great way to win friends, as well as remembering their names.

With William and Kate here this weekend, and Carmageddon, ie the 405 closed next weekend, I am asking baby earnestly to please wait til near due date to arrive. Thanks, baby.

4th of July Weekend

2011-07-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

I made and wrote a bunch of Thank You notes

all you need is colorful inexpensive cards from Paper Source, along with a Thank You stamp and an ink pad.

the state of my desk on Sunday morning. I kinda like the chaos for once. There's that ink pad.

Sky and I went away for one night--something on my list of Things I'd Love to do Before Baby arrives. We stayed on points at the St Regis Monarch Beach, which feels a bit like Vegas, but the beach is sublime. That's really what I wanted: to be on a beautiful beach away from all my lists. Huge Vegas hotel or no, it was heaven.

photo from here

We also picked up baby's rocker from Sky's mom. Pics of nursery coming soon.....

One of my best friends had her second baby!

and named him Kiran, which I love.

4th of July we spent the afternoon at Brock and Kristina's.

Kristina made peach creamsicles, over which Dash and Sky had many a bonding moment

I wore a beach coverup as a dress, since at 37 weeks (as in full term! yay baby!!!) that feels pretty freaking good on a hot day

and made my great-aunt Jennie's apricot upside down cake. She's been gone for a while; I got the recipe from my aunt Chris, and wow, did it make me miss Jennie. Like all good Italians, her desserts are easy on the sugar---not a sweet bomb, this one. More of a delicate torte, and you can make it with pineapple, coconut, apricots, or, as I did, half plum, half apricot. The beaten whites make a really light batter, and the "top" gets nice and caramelized. The plums turned out far more tart, so if you want a sweeter fruit, I'd go all apricot. I used a 10" cast iron skillet (Chris' choice); you can use a 9-in square baking pan as well.

Jennie's Apricot Upside-Down Cake

4 T butter

1/2 c brown sugar

about 16 apricot halves, or 1/2 plum, 1/2 apricot, or pineapple or coconut to cover bottom of pan

5 egg yolks

5 egg whites beaten stiff (do this first so you don't have to clean the beaters)

1/2 c sugar

1 c flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

1 Tbsp lemon juice

1 tsp vanilla

Preheat oven to 350

Melt butter and brown sugar in bottom of pan. Place fruit skin side down

Beat yolks until thick

Add sugar slowly

Add lemon juice and whites on low speed. When partially mixed, gently add flour mixed with other dry ingredients

Add vanilla and pour over fruit

Bake 45-60 minutes til light golden brown

Cool 10 minutes and invert on serving plate

Hope you had a beautiful sparkly weekend!

Frozen Grapefruit in a Bowl

2011-06-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

I am a person who is usually cold, likes a duvet in August, and under normal circumstances can drink 5 cups of hot tea on a daily basis.

Pregnancy has changed all that. Now I'm the girl who sleeps with no covers and asks for a fan. I drink maybe one cup of tea a day and that's just because it's called Third Trimester Tea or Mother-to-Be tea. All I want is cold things. If I'm drinking them, I prefer them with bubbles---such a shame champagne isn't on the pregnancy diet and I've been way more into sipping Sky's beers than ever in my life--and if I'm eating them, the colder, icier, more refreshing the better. Not necessarily creamy----it's not ice cream I'm craving. More watery, light, slightly sweet--like how eating ice cubes made from Lake Michigan water way back when would taste.

On a most basic level I can satisfy the craving with an entire half of a watermelon or a bowl of frozen grapes. I'm starting to stock up on popsicles since I think I'll want those for labor, and let's face it, I want them now. But after an insanely delicious dinner at The Tasting Kitchen a few weeks ago, I've had grapefruit sorbet on the brain. Our meal there finished with that, and though I can't say mine is quite as amazing as theirs, it's really good. And I don't have to leave my couch to eat it. I spend a lot of time there (the couch not the Tasting Kitchen) these days. I got the proportions for this from David Lebowitz. He uses campari, which would be awesome, I just didn't happen to have any. Given that campari has a stronger taste than champagne, doubled the amount of booze, which is still teensy given the amount of sorbet you're making. You could omit the alcohol entirely and use more juice--of grapefruit or something else like orange. Also, I used the Oro Blanco grapefruits because they were sweetest at the market, but pink ones would make a beautifully-colored sorbet. I love this recipe because it isn't too sweet. It's like eating a grapefruit frozen and mashed with a little kick from something bubbly and pink. I might make a gallon next time.

Grapefruit Sorbet

adapted from David Lebowitz

makes about 1 1 /2 pints

Juice of 4 grapefruits (2 cups)

1/2 c sugar

1/2 c rose champagne

1. Warm 3/4 c grapefruit juice with the sugar, stirring just til sugar dissolves.

2. Remove from heat, add rest of juice and champagne.

3. Chill well (I always do overnight) and freeze according to ice cream maker's instructions.

No, mine is not in perfectly shaped sorbet balls, and yes, one day it will be.

2011-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Now there's not much to do but wait.

I had my second shower this weekend, this one co-ed and hosted by the lovely and amazing Kristina and her husband/Sky's brother Brock. (Some women who take my yoga class threw me a beautiful one earlier this month.) I do love a coed shower. I knew it would be gorgeous and delicious because it's Kristina. She just does things that way.

There's the chalkboard to sign up to bring us dinner since I hear I won't be up for cooking at first.....

As you know, we haven't found out the baby's gender. Guests picked a pink or blue tissue flower to wear on their lapels based on how they're voting. Most women picked girl; most men voted boy, but there were some who crossed the gender line. Any of you have a sense? (The jar that looks like OJ was very strong orange margaritas by the way. I didn't have one--duh--but I hear they were killer in every sense of the world. The white crock had watermelon aqua fresca. Ahhhhhh.)

To go with the backyard fiesta theme, she picked up tres leches cupcakes from a nearby bakery and another one of my besties made Mexican chocolate mousse (yes, I scarfed both).

So many of our friends have kids now and it's a totally different kind of party having them all around. A really fun kind of party. Especially when there are chickens to chase, balls to throw around, and trucks to climb over thanks to Dashiell (who's really into belly buttons right now-see below).

And then they all need naps.....

Notice Sky is wearing blue and I am wearing pink....

We were given adorable things, functional things, beautiful things, hilarious things

Have you read this? You need to. Today.

There were a couple other babies-en-route present (Julie and I are due 5 days apart and we live kinda close together! FUN. No, we didn't plan it. Weird that people ask that.)

Our mamas were there--this is the 5th grandchild for Sky's mom and the first for mine.

And there's the hummingbird, the star of the party. We're 36 weeks and 1 day, or about 27 days from showtime.

Body Love

2011-06-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm getting very "full", as one of my yoga students remarked last week. Meaning my belly is very...apparent. I like it. I'm also experiencing tremendous fatigue on certain days, which I hear is totally normal--the baby is gaining about 1/2 lb a week--that's a lot of work for both of us. I'm due a month from today.

Given that this week has been a particularly fatigue-y week, I am putting off writing a long post on the subject of gender neutrality, which will require me to think a lot. My brain isn't up for it. I actually walked into a wall about 15 minutes ago.

Instead, some gentle, non-intellectual material: my favorite belly moisturizers. You do not have to be pregnant to enjoy these. In fact, I wish I spent as much time loving my body up when I'm not pregs as I do during this time! I plan to continue when baby is born. I spend an inordinate amount of time on my abdominal area, but my arms, legs, tush, back--all have enjoyed the benefits of me obsessed with moisturizing at least 2x and sometimes more a day. It's a chance to slow down, and, I'm going to say it, practice gratitude for the body you have.

Palmer's Cocoa Butter. No, it's not organic. It has "fragrance" as one of its ingredients and doesn't specify what that is. But it smells amazing (in my opinion better than some organic cocoa butters), is solid when it's like this in the jar, ie good for travel and bringing into bed where Sky likes to give the belly a rub every night, and women for generations have sworn by it. I've used it on and off since college, and I love taking a big hunk of it out of the jar and letting it melt as it gets rubbed everywhere. It's pretty cheap, too, which I have to say is really nice when we seem to spend money every day getting ready for you-kn0w-who. Why this picture ended up so big I can't really tell you......

Oh LUXURY. I wouldn't even know about Dayna Decker if it weren't for my mom. She has now given me 2 jars of it, and I parse it out soooo sparingly. Like every 4th or 5th day. Technically it's hand lotion, but it's so thick and luscious I find it delicious on my whole bod. The scent she's given me is Sierra, which is floral and herbal and a little woodsy at the same time. I'm sure the other fragrances are beautiful as well. Nice when I want something a little less slippery than the oils I'm about to mention and a little less thick than the cocoa butter. Think night out.....or important meeting......or you're wearing something silk and don't want to get a grease spot on it.....
I LOVE THIS OIL. At $17 a bottle, again, I don't use it every time I hop out of the shower. But it is SO NICE. Pure enough to eat: just almond oil, coconut oil, cocoa butter and Vitamin E. Safe for the baby if you rub it on yourself post-partum and then snuggle up to beebee. Can be used for perineal massage, mamas--I'm bringing it to the hospital with me. It smells warm and almondy and I feel like a glistening goddess after I've rubbed it all over. I keep it by the bathtub and use it when I climb out. Don't put clothes on right away if you don't want oil marks on them. I justify spending a little more on these things by 1)also using Palmers' Cocoa Butter and 2) I'm not going out for drinks

I've used Aura Glow since college as well. I go between almond and rose scents-both are heavenly. I just learned they have grapefruit---might have to try.....It's similar to Mother's in that the base is almond oil, but rather than the coconut oil I believe it's peanut and olive oil they put in there. No animal testing, very pure, and about half the price of Mother's. I get mine at Whole Foods; I've bought it at other health food stores and homeopathic pharmacies in the past--it's pretty easy to get a hold of. I know a lot of massage therapists who use this. My skin gets SO SOFT when I go back to using it after taking a break for a while. And it's really gentle--never irritated my skin or caused backne (as some oily products can do, let's admit it). I'm a devotee. Sometimes I'll alternate Mother's with this and cocoa butter--the trio is a nice one.

I can't not post this. This is my I'm-stranded-on-a-desert-island-and-I-get-one-thing-to-make-me-feel-sumptuous-until-the-cannibals-come-get-me product. I haven't used it much in pregnancy, but that's only because I have the bubble bath and I'm being abstemious. Join me and use that word in a sentence today.

Have a gorgeous weekend.

Really?

2011-06-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

I spotted this in the parking lot of a very fancy office building yesterday.

Really, people?

Unless there's an extra Hawaiian island in this parking garage I have to ask: has spelling (and grammar--don't get me started there) gotten so far away from us that this goes unnoticed? That or the sign painter seriously wanted a vacation.

I often wish I knew more tweet/text language, but then I see something like this and I am so happy that I still spell "everything" as "everything" and not "evrythng" if only to keep the real word alive in my brain. I don't think this was an error due to too much Twitter Speak, but it does remind me that spelling doesn't seem to be at the top of most people's list of subjects to master. One could always look it up online. Or don't, and trust that everyone is too busy on the smartphone to notice. And something about that makes me sad. Probably that part of me that cherishes the letters, the handwritten epistles I get in the mail, that deliberate sequencing of words and thoughts, from my sister and grandmother. That wishes I didn't want to race to the computer first thing in the morning to check my email. That really wants to break the habit of returning a text at a stoplight. I get nervous about the Kindle revolution and books maybe not existing. All that screen light can't be good for our eyes, right? Or should I suck it up and get one and discover that I like it? Not that this has much to do with spelling.

Maybe having a baby will take me back to a simpler time in myself. Maybe I'll be willing to check email only once or twice or OK THREE times a day. It doesn't need to be 15. I'm not the Secretary of State. What would happen in my mind if it wasn't so occupied with all these megabytes? Maybe I'd write that script I've had bouncing around for 5 years. Maybe I'd have an inspiration around storyline for a show a friend and I have talked about creating. Maybe I'd feel more spontaneous rather than tired and pinched in the face which too much time at the computer does to me.

How do you simplify, or tech-down, your life?

TIlted and Shifted

2011-06-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a lot of walks lately. That's what they tell pregnant women to do, and it does feel really good. I usually opt not to drag my camera, but I do often carry my phone because OMG HOW CAN I BE SEPARATED FROM IT?! No, really it's because sometimes I listen to music and often I like to keep track of time since I'm still working on being less scheduled. There are some beautiful things blooming around the hood these days, and that's where the Tilt Shift Gen app comes in so handy. I'm sure you all have it and are wondering why I'm posting it a good year and a half or more after its debut, but I am. Like Toy Camera, it blows things out and somehow saturates the color and makes them kind of vintage-y. So eh photos become really pretty.

and no, I couldn't not shoot the peonies

Wait--that's not Tilt Shift Gen! That's someone who wants to say Hi.

If I Were a Flower.....

2011-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I do realize I posted peony pictures last week. However, those passed and I bought more. At any other time of year I put off going to Trader Joe's as long as possible because of their parking lots. At peony time it's worth organizing an afternoon around. This new bunch became so spectacular that they needed their own post.
One actually opened up on the car ride home. They're so eager to be gorgeous. Kristina also posted peonies last week and she put it well: they're the hussies of the flower kingdom. No shyness around their beauty: just begging to be loved, admired and adored. I should name them all Scarlett.

These have now turned to almost white which is what happens right before they drop their petals. I'm remiss to change the water because I don't want to make that happen because I move them. Except that I did go buy more today. At $6.99 a bunch I feel no shame.

8.5

2011-06-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

33 weeks and 5 days. That's just about 8.5 months. Due basically in 6 weeks, which could mean 3 (please, Baby, stay in longer than 3) and could mean 8. Sky is out of town this week, and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this could be my last week alone in my house for.....10 years? We want to have more than one child, and yes, Daddy might take kids away for a few days, but a whole week? It really could be a while. So much is feeling like Lasts these days. Mind you, I have a lot of time alone in my house during the day. I guess the biggest difference is it's only me deciding what I want to do in the evenings, be it watching Coco Before Chanel instead of Anderson Cooper, meditating or reading in bed instead of hanging out on the couch or cleaning up, seeing a movie on a Saturday night (Sky is a rare person who just doesn't really go to movies. And he married me...), or weirdly enough leaving my dishes out. I never go to bed with unwashed dishes in the sink, but somehow knowing no one else is adding to my pile I confess I've left a couple sitting there for a day, as well as papers lying around the house, and it's been, well, very relaxing. I know--exciting stuff. These are not the days of hubby goes away and I party with the girls. I am slowing way down.

And, as always, I love my time to watch my belly move around and to imagine the hummingbird who was 4 lb 10oz on Monday, so might be approaching 5 lbs by now. Some thoughts I've had about the babe of late:

WHO ARE YOU?

As I put onesies in drawers and coo over prefold diapers and stare at the picture from the ultrasound on Monday that shows these adorable little lips all puckered out (my belly was measuring a tiny bit small so the ultrasound was to make sure Baby isn't small---and nope-- not small just low), I'm simultaneously aware that this is the cutest most lovable little munchkin I'll have ever seen, AND it's a full-on soul come to this planet with a mission. Not a baby at all in its spirit. That's my belief, anyway--that a soul up there wanted to come to Earth now and chose me as the vessel to arrive through. Whoa. It's a big deal. I'll be raising someone and witnessing someone at the same time.

We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. I know that since the beginning I've only felt one way about this baby, AND I know I could be completely wrong. I'll be so surprised if it's not what I feel it is, but I also wouldn't put it past baby to be one who likes to surprise. Part of the not knowing, aside from wanting that moment of total surprise that I know I can't describe til after I have it, has been to not let myself start to make up much about the baby. The more I know the more I can try to predict. Not knowing, for me, leaves the canvas more wide open, and that's good for someone who's imagination can cross from active to overbearing.

We all hear there's never a perfect time to have a baby. There's too much work or not enough work; the house is too little or someone's still in school. There's that project or trip or thing that has to happen before the baby can arrive. For me, sure, there was some financial fear, and some projects coming up I wanted to be considered for that when I got pregnant I knew were out. There was that sense that I wanted to be a little more established (whatever that means--seems whatever level one is on there's always the next one to establish), have some more residual money coming in, have the Super Agent before I took a break. AND I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted a baby, so I figured it wasn't my job to create the timeline. The Universe usually does a better job of that than I can. As the arrival of the Bird gets closer, I am absolutely blown away by how provided for we are: the generosity of our friends and family, be it through gifts, or hand-me-downs, or time spent walking me through what we'll need. I am blown away by the surprise checks that arrive in the mail from a commercial spot I didn't realize was still running and another one that just started running in more places. Blown away by people's desire to help once the baby comes. I've always heard babies bring abundance, and I'm experiencing this as true. It's like we're willing to expand and the world expands with us. I've spent a lot of time saying Thank You lately: to all of these people who are showing up, to the baby for being in the right position and coming along so wonderfully, to my own body for doing things I can't fathom even as I sleep, and to the force up there that helps it all happen.

all photos found while browsing Pinterest--anyone know how to make them bigger?

First June Weekend

2011-06-06T06:47:00.001-07:00

I can't take credit for these photos---that goes to Kristina when she, Brock and Dashiell stayed here while their house had some painting done on the inside. But I will take credit for landing at Trader Joe's where it is indeed peony time, and landing there at the perfect moment to snatch some of the most luscious ones I've ever seen in their big plastic pails. Going again this morning. They opened end opened and opened til the pink ones were almost white and the red ones looked like they were shedding big feathers.

Speaking of Dashiell, here's my sweet nephew (with his gorgeous and talented mama). Even with a scratch on his nose he's perfect. We had some good baby-in-the-house-practice during his visit, including a rare 4-am wakeup and lots of quinoa pancakes. This was taken after Kristina and I walked here:

Gjelina Take Away. It's a little scary that Sky and I can walk there, as that might mean I eat several egg breakfast sandwiches a week, which could slow the loss of baby weight once I get to that point. I haven't tried lunch yet, but it's only a matter of days. Can I have a kitchen like that? With an open wood-burning oven, shelves of pickled and canned things, and loaves of crusty bread awaiting my creations? One day. The culinary adventures continued at Tasting Kitchen Sat. night (they have a radicchio salad which I must copy--better than the one I posted last week) and that culminated in my first night out at a bar in a while. Nevermind that I fainted and fell off a barstool. That's what padded pregnant rears are for: to cushion such a fall. I was mainly concerned upon waking up that bar patrons would think the clear liquid in my glass was vodka not water.

First baby shower! (Next weekend is one for my friend Ami, pictured here, due 3 weeks before me with her 2nd little bairn.)

Some of my yoga students hosted it for me in this backyard. Yup, that's a backyard and not a state park.

Some of baby's loot from said shower, including an original rubber ducky, a kimono-style onsie, and baby's first piece of Marc Jacobs. I was ovewhelmed on the drive home-- in the good way---by how lucky baby and I are.

You can kind of see a piece of the turquoise we painted the accent wall in her/his room too. All sitting atop this dresser which we did in fact assemble in about 3 1/2 hours, not including a 24-hour break we took when we came to instruction 18 of 32: little happy diagram man telling us to hammer FIFTY-FOUR nails. We stared at it for a minute and then ran out of the room.

These are all handmade by friends who were there. My friend Jessica silk-screened those blue birds on a simple Gerber onesie--brilliant. Heather made us that bib which is backed in soft felt, and my friend Lee made the Happy Bunny onesie--she has an etsy shop and when I find her card I'll post it. I was cooing and rubbing soft fabrics to my cheek like a goon.

This one slayed me: the softest organic sleep sack with a little turtle at the top. A gift from my mom. Baby will lie in sleep sack on this Ikea sheepskin rug. All I need to complete the picture is....baby! Who's due in 6 weeks and 6 days.

Hope you had a beautiful weekend.

A Salad That's Almost a Sandwich

2011-06-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed I declare blogging schedules and then am incapable of following them? My 3x a week posting plan has gone.....I don't know where. To the land of prenatal yoga which I seem to be doing on those mornings I envisioned myself here. Ah well.

To catch you up on

Mamaland: reading A LOT on vaccines. Still not sure where I stand on this. I suspect, like most of my decisions, I'll be taking the middle road, like using some cloth and some disposable diapers--doing some but not all vaccines. Especially when some of them were only put on the market in the last 10 years so I, Sky, all our friends never had them and we're fine. Definitely want a pediatrician that's open to spacing them out and skipping certain ones if we choose to. Have met some good ones.

Actingland: have done 2 of my 4 days on I am I. Remember my friend I posted about who was raising money for her movie? It's in mid-production, going to be brilliant, and yours truly shows up in a few scenes. Baby's first job!

Homeland: chaise outside arrived. We spent a good few hours over the long weekend picking Flor tiles. Sneak peek: we're copying this for our bedroom. Planted tomato starters and they've already tripled in size. YAY! I failed to get the kitty into the cat carrier. Must restrategize once it trusts me again to pet it.

these have nothing to do with anything except they're the prettiest wine labels ever

Familyland: Brock, Kristina and Dashiell are staying with us for a few days while the inside of their house gets painted. We joke that we'll buy a big piece of land with 2 houses and have our own mini-commune. Last night I got home close to 8 and wanted to make dinner for everyone. Enter new delicious salad sent to me by a good foodie friend. Radicchio doesn't always strike me as a summer lettuce, but there's been a gorgeous supply at the market lately, plus this recipe uses zucchini pickles, of which I am a huge fan and are really best in the summer. Both Kristina and I are fans of the Zuni Cafe recipe, and she posted it a while back so I'm just going to link you there. Sky, after one bite, proclaimed This is really interesting. Which coming from a Meltzer could be a good or bad thing--they're not known for their adventurous palates, though Sky has broken form of late and gotten into some new exotic things. Like egg on pizza.

But I think the salad is really good. I've adapted it slightly because in my opinion the recipe didn't add nearly enough pickles and parmesan, and I had different herbs on hand. It's important to soak the radicchio to cut the bitterness, so save some time for that. I shortened the soaking time a lot since I didn't want us to eat at 10, and it was good, but more soak=better salad. Make the pickles and marinade the day before, and you'll have a fat jar of pickles left in your fridge for use on other salads and sandwiches.

Radicchio Salad with Zucchini Pickles, Green Olives and Parmesan

adapted from an adaptation of Jason Neroni of Osteria La Buca restaurant

1 recipe Zucchini Pickles

1 c red wine vinegar

2 garlic cloves, peeled

few sprigs of fresh thyme

1/2 medium red onion

2 small heads radicchio, quartered and coarsely chopped

small handful chopped mint leaves

small handful chopped Italian parsley leaves

EVO

1 1/2 c grated fresh parmesan

1 cup Castelvetrano olives, pitted

1. Make marinade the night before: combine vinegar, onion, garlic and thyme. Refrigerate overnight.

2. Soak radicchio in bowl of ice water for an hour. Drain, dry and reserve. Strain marinade and set aside.

3. Toss radicchio with mint, parsley, a big handful of pickles, 1/4 c marinade and a good glug of olive oil, parmesan and olives. Season with salt and pepper and serve.

Long Weekend!

2011-05-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

from the ever-beautiful

We may or may not head out of town. You? Hoping the weather stays warm so I can do a long hike with the man. I'll follow the blogging trend of leaving you weekend tidbits, and wish you rest, play, and only good memories this Memorial.

You can imagine how silly I felt when I went to link this song that I'm obsessed with and discovered it's 2 years old. I'm not always on the cutting edge. Obviously. Currently obsessed with this one; have hit the repeat no fewer than 6 times in a car ride. Definitely on the birth play list. And the band is one I've always liked but never really gotten to know. That's changing now.

Made this again this week. It's just as delectable as it was last year. (Recipe at the end of what seems to be a really long post:) )

The firepit we want for outdoors. Why do we ALWAYS gravitate to the most expensive stuff? Wanting does not mean we're getting, btw. But wouldn't it be fun? It doubles as a table, and maybe one day I'd use it for butter again. Nah.

We'll be making progress in the hummingbird's room and assembling the dresser. It's currently in 15 pieces on the floor.

I'm a new pinterest fan

Kid Food

2011-05-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm officially due 2 months from today. !!!!!!!!!!!.

I feel like it was about a week ago I posted on Facebook that I was due in 4 months. Baby is all over the place in there--often makes me look like a crazy person as I sit on the couch laughing because a)I'm amused at the antics or b) I'm genuinely getting tickled.

So perhaps subconsciously in celebration of the 2-month countdown I was inspired to bake some kid food yesterday. I made Peanut Butter and Jelly muffins from my new favorite cookbook:

My aunt Chris is a consummate baker, and this is one of her go-tos. I have a stained ratty photocopy of the raised corn pancakes from here which I only make once in a blue moon because I can't restrain myself when I do from eating about 4. But I will share them with you sometime---it's my duty. The book-now that I finally ordered it and can read from cover to cover-- has awesome tips about flours, grains, and ways to improve the texture and taste of bread. I love a carb-lover.

I had a free afternoon yesterday and was just really into being at home. And the beauty of having a husband who goes to work in the morning is I can unload extra baked goods on his colleagues so I don't have to sit around staring at the muffikins wondering how long I have to wait before I eat another one. This trick works great on anyone you love who works offsite.

The first time I make a recipe I follow it to the letter. When I make these next time I am going to sub half the flour with whole wheat and try coconut sugar instead of refined white, maybe almond butter instead of PB. Just for kicks. The sugar in these, though, is negligible, so don't worry if you're trying to stay off the stuff. These aren't as oily as many muffins can be; I think because when you do serve them it's recommended to do so warm with additional peanut butter and jelly on the side, which will add some extra moisture. That being said, WARM THEM UP. They're just not the same room temp. The batter is super-sticky, which adds to the kid food element of them---my inner child was delighted with the mess and I'm sure my outer one will be too when we get to the stage where the hummingbird is helping me bake. And don't be concerned if the jelly leaks out a little when baking---even then it makes a pretty ribbon through the center of the muffin.

So if I'm due two months from today, that means tomorrow I am due in less than two months. Whoa. In honor of my child:

Peanut Butter and Jelly Muffins

from the Wooden Spoon Bread Book

2 c unbleached flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1/4 c sugar

1 Tablespoon honey

3/4 c creamy peanut butter

1 c milk

jam or jelly of your choice (I used a strawberry-orange that needed using up)

1. Preheat oven to 375. Grease 12-cup muffin tin.

2. Sift together and set aside

flour, baking powder, salt

3. In a large mixing bowl beat eggs

4. Stir into eggs in this order

sugar

honey

milk

sifted dry ingredients

5. Into each muffin cup spoon 1 rounded tablespoon batter. Press the back of a spoon into each filled cup, making a small well in each (here's where the stickiness can get you--be patient.Laugh. You'll get it). Spoon into each well 1 teaspoon jam or jelly.

6. Cover jelly by evenly dividing and spooning (of course I eyed it and the results were slightly uneven but delish all the same) remaining batter into muffin cups.

7. Bake for 20-25 minutes or til golden brown. Mine took 22.

8. Serve warm with more PB&J on the side.

Going

Going
Almost gone

The Great Outdoors

2011-05-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

As we continue to make progress on the inside of the house, it's getting rather gorgeous outside so we've been taking some action around outdoor furniture. I have fantasies of nursing the baby on a big chaise lounge in this half of the front yard

which as you can see is screaming to be occupied with something. We found a double-lounger/big chaise at West Elm and took advantage of their summer sale plus a coupon we had that I think is going to work. There's room for all 3 of us on it and I'm into the orange cushion. We seem to always gravitate to color around here (I told you the accent wall in the baby room is turquoise, right?).

The pending question is what to put in the other half of the yard

I'd take any of these:

here--this is in Bali, no less. Of course.

the always-brilliant

Martha comes through

via here

House Beautiful this is so beautiful--it's not a front yard but I am inspired

you again

The reality is we're probably going to end up with some colorful plastic chairs and a bistro table for now. The budget dictates something along those lines. But seeing the yellow chairs above gives me some hope it can be cheerful and classy at the same time. I've been looking on Craigs List but this is probably not the time people are selling their amazing outdoor furnishings. I will look again in October......

Meanwhile, this little one is hanging around the front door and I, gulp, bought some cat food after giving it milk for about a week. Another creature that I'm not sure is a boy or a girl. We're to the petting stage now, which means I should get some gloves and borrow a cat carrier and take it to the vet for shots. If I'm in fact going down this road. Which is looks like I might be. Maternal instincts are powerful things.

But give and you are given to! I had no idea I had an artichoke plant in the yard til a week ago when these appeared! Dinner tonight.

Weekend with the Hummingbird

2011-05-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

First I want to say I adore you. Thank you for your responses---all of them. Thank you. SO MUCH. I missed you when Blogger went down last week! Put a wrench in my plans for Thursday and all I wanted to chat about. But it's restored and all is well.

Sky was out of town this weekend and the hummingbird and I had some amazing time together. It's starting to feel second nature to say "We did this" or "We went there". Now that the baby is big enough that I feel movement pretty much all day it really feels like someone's with me. Of course I've known that, and felt that, but it's different now. It's becoming automatic to have a dialogue with her. With him. (By the way, feel free to cast your vote---I'm keeping a list.) I didn't actually need or want to be on the phone much, just loved relaxing and watching my belly move as the little one kicked and rolled.

photo from here (thanks, Jora)

Last week I bought the only yoga DVD I've ever owned: Prenatal Yoga with Gurumukh. I can't get to Golden Bridge as often as I'd like to, especially to their prenatal classes, and I'd heard great things about this DVD. So Friday morning, before my dentist appointment, the Bird and I tried it out. Gorgeous. Get it if you're pregnant; get it for someone you know who's pregnant. All the movement feels so good, and the things she says are beautiful. And if it gets a little out there, go with it. At one point towards the end there's time to dance with your baby, as in you in your living room dancing around with your pregnant belly, and I promise if you let yourself do it you don't feel stupid at all. You're dancing with your baby, and babies love to dance.

this one found on Google

I also love what Gurumukh said about being in the flow. I'm such a hard-core perfectionist that I've put pressure on myself at times to have myself totally figured out and my life perfect by the time the baby comes. Most of my life I can happily say is at a 10, but there are a couple of areas I still wrestle with, and I've had fear that I'll give that struggle to my baby. One thing I heard in the video is that what the baby picks up is not that I have fear or stress, but that Mama is in the flow, is working it out, is conscious and connected and willing to evolve. That was just what I needed to hear. Besides, having perfect parents could be really freaky for a kid. Having a mom that has stuff to work on I have to believe gives the child permission to be a work-in-progress as well.

Speaking of yoga: have you seen this?

source here but I think I saw it here

Somehow I don't think it would fly in my Iyengar classes, but in one's own backyard, why not.....

On Saturday morning I was exhausted from a night of calf cramps that had me basically up since 4:30 am, so the baby and I rested on the couch while I finished a delicious novel (Forever Amber, which is a Restoration-era England bodice ripper with lots of passionate longing---I highly highly recommend for a total escape) and we listened to the live broadcast from the Met. That's one of my favorite things to do on a Saturday should I find myself with time to just sit and listen. Saturday was The Valkyrie---not one of my favorite favorites, but glorious just the same. I talked to the baby about what passages I like, and what operas I love even more. Asked the baby's opinion, which usually got no sort of quantifiable response, but was fun just the same. We went to a play at night, and Baby got the hiccups during it. Luckily it was a comedy, because I was giggling.

again

Sky comes home today, and I honestly can't wait. I loved my quiet time with my baby, and I'm ready to have my Baby Daddy home. We feel closer to each other than we ever have, and despite what the statistics are, both of us are committed to our marriage being better than ever once we have a baby.

Easy-Peasy (and Fava and Asparagus-y)

2011-05-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

When we got home from Bali my sister was in town, which was great though she had to put up with me being ready for bed at 9:30 due to jet lag. However, we ate one night at the Tasting Kitchen then the second night at Osteria Mozza. Both extraordinary. Sky and I then had 2 nights of semi-normalcy before his sister and one of his brothers arrived so we could celebrate a family birthday at Pitfire Pizza. That was Friday; on Sunday it was Mothers' Day and we had a big brunch with my mom, his mom, his siblings, and their kids down in Newport Beach.

All this to say there has been a lot of semi-decadent eating over the last 2 weeks, which left my body craving clean simple veggies and grains. Baby and mama wanted a break from white flour, sugar, sauces, cheese. So on Monday night I raided the fridge of farmers' market goodies I'd picked up and came up with what I'm about to share with you. It doesn't even really need a recipe it's so easy, but it looked so pretty I couldn't resist.

Lemon-Scented Quinoa with English Peas, Fava Beans and Purple Asparagus

serves 3

1 c quinoa

1 bunch purple asparagus

1 lb fava beans in pods

2c English peas in pods

1 lemon

butter

Fleur de sel or other good salt

1. Prep veggies: remove favas and peas from pods, wash and trim asparagus.

2. Cook quinoa by adding quinoa to 2 c boiling water. Cover and let simmer approximately 20 min.

3. While quinoa is cooking, boil a couple inches of water in a large saucepan and blanch vegetables individually (favas, peas, asparagus) for about 1 minute--taste after that--they should be crisp-tender. When each batch of veggies is done, remove with slotted spoon and set aside.

4. When blanching is finished, favas should have cooled enough that you can slip their skins off. Gently pierce light green skin with your fingernail and slip bean inside out. Discard skins; reserve beans.

5. When quinoa is ready (you'll be able to see the curlie-q inside each grain and water will be absorbed), remove lid and squeeze some lemon juice in there. How much is up to you. I used the juice from half a big lemon. Grate some lemon zest and toss in there as well with a little salt.

6. Melt a couple tablespoons of butter (or heat olive oil) over low heat in a large saute pan. Add blanched veggies and toss gently with butter for a few minutes til warm and lightly coated. Add a sprinkle of Fleur de Sel. Remove from heat.

7. Plate quinoa, top with veggies. Sprinkle a little extra grated lemon zest on the top and serve with Fleur de Sel and fresh pepper.

I served it with some tofu I'd sauteed with a little garlic and a cucumber salad. It would also be yummy with a poached egg on top......

Bali with a Belly

2011-05-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

We went to Bali.

It is an extraordinary place.

a rice paddy we hiked down into. I wish the time of day allowed me to capture the green better.....

Ganesha at one of 3 stunning temples we visited. The more overgrown or worn away they were the more I loved them.

The market in Ubud. I would have loved several days here. Next trip.

One of many monkeys in the monkey forest. The Balinese let the monkeys take over on the grounds where a temple to Hanuman, the monkey god, was built. I was especially partial to the mama monkeys running around with baby monkeys clinging to their bellies. No Ergos needed.

I've never seen more, or more perfect, lotus blossoms.

Walking at the temple at Uluwatu. It sits on a cliff 210 feet above the Indian Ocean.

Another temple. I seem to like them. We actually saw monks bathing at this one. Nothing racy, don't worry. I still need to look up who that goddess is.

The baby loved it, even if we both did get a little hot at times and had to leave certain parties early.

Mom and Dad loved it too. And the wedding we attended was spectacular.

I confess I got a little emotional on the morning that we left. I know we'll go on a week-long vacation together again. And hey, I'll even be able to drink cocktails on that one. There's nothing Sky and I want more than this baby, and there's a little mourning going on that Us as we know Us is changing forever. I think that's normal. I remember a couple months before we got married I spent a good part of the day on the beach weeping. I wasn't sad about getting married; quite the opposite. But subconsciously or archetypally or something I was letting go of me as I'd known me my whole life and starting a completely new era. This was something like that. I didn't weep, but there were a few tears; there will probably be more. I think taking the time, accidentally or on purpose, to grieve the loss of one thing as I make way for the next is a way of honoring how beautiful the time that's going into the past has been. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong or it's not a change I don't want. Just that it's that: change. A kind of huge one.

For the Mamas. And the Papas.

2011-04-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a little underslept today----we leave for Bali tonight for a wedding which of course is turning into a babymoon as well. The pace before leaving town always accelerates---I'm not sure why. So I don't remember my dreams as well as I often do, but I know I was madly in love with my baby in my dreams, and the baby was the gender that it always is when I have baby dreams. We're not finding out what we're having, but the dreams match what I believe is on its way.

One of my best friends sent me this.

It's by Tina Fey, so you should know you're going to laugh. And then maybe get a little choked up. For you mothers, or soon-to-be-mothers, or women who think maybe-one-day-I'll be-a-mother. And for the daddies too.

A Mother's Prayer

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her:
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

pic from here

See you first week of May! With Bali Belly pix.

Pretty Panna Cotta

2011-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

You:

Make this.

Maybe now.

Because it will take you all of 10 minutes and you'll feel like a gourmet gone wild.

The easiest, freshest, simplest spring dessert out there:

Panna cotta from, big surprise, Ms. Goin.

I've made this twice in 5 days. The first was for a family dinner at Brock and Kristina's. There were 5 of us, so I halved the recipe which serves 8, and it was perfect. The second time was yesterday because the ones at Family Dinner were gone too fast for me to photo. I halved the recipe again so as not to be left with too much cold custardy creaminess all to myself in the fridge. I am proud to report there's still some in there, though restraining from having it for every meal does take some effort.

All you need for this recipe is some dairy products, a packet of gelatin (and those if you who don't use it, try agar agar--I bet it will work), an amount of sugar probably sitting in your sugar bowl, and some berries.

It's completely delicious and incredibly easy, so you can surprise someone with homemade fantasticness during the week even. Which can be really lovely. A no-occasion special-occasion treat. I made mine in individual ramekins; you can also use one large dish and serve it family style at the table.

Here goes:

Creme Fraiche Panna Cotta With Berries

from Sunday Suppers at Lucques

1/2 c cold whole milk

one 1/4 oz package unflavored gelatin

3 c heavy cream

6T granulated sugar

Vegetable oil, for molds

1/2 c plus 2T creme fraiche ( I love Bellwether Farms)

1 1/2 pints fresh berries

Place milk in large bowl, sprinkle gelatin over it, stir to combine

In a saucepan, bring cream and 5T sugar to a boil. Lightly oil 8 4-oz ramekins or a large gratin dish if serving family style.

When cream boils, turn off the heat, let sit for a few minutes.

Slowly whisk cream into milk/gelatin, then whisk in creme fraiche.

Strain (though I didn't need to---nothing was in the strainer after I did) the mixture and pour into prepared molds. Chill at least 3 hours in the fridge.

10-15 minutes before serving, slice berries as necessary and toss with a tablespoon of sugar.

Run a hot knife around the edges of the molds and invert panna cotta onto individual plates or onto a chilled platter. Surround panna cotta with berries and juice.

See what I mean?

Now I will tell you when I made it first I added the seeds of a vanilla bean to the cream mixture before boiling and it was heaven. Made the top of the panna cotta a little speckled, but no matter. I also think you could add a tablespoon or 2 of Grand Marnier at that same point.....

The tang from the creme fraiche is wonderful, and the berries offset that beautifully. Use whatever ones look freshest at your market.

Also: use a VERY HOT knife. Like stuck in boiling water hot. I had a little trouble unmolding them, which also could have been from not using quite enough oil. But a very hot knife makes a difference too.

Shelf paper giveaway winner gets chosen today! YAY!

Kitchen Transforme, a GIVEAWAY, and Lots of Exclamation Points

2011-04-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Remember we spoke about Chic Shelf Paper not too long ago? All those adorable patterns for those old drawers longing for some personality? We've teamed up. I went with the pattern most of you liked that was actually my favorite too and

VOILA

{Ahhhhhhhhhh!} That's me singing an aria.

Look how nice they look!!!!!!

I should have taken before pics but who wants to see worn stained drawers? They were sad. And now I want to keep them open all the time! The pots and pans shelves actually don't have doors and I'm finally happy about that.

I love love love this company. It's something subtle you can do to a room and totally change it from "ugh" or "eh" to "oooooh". And guess what?! They are sponsoring a giveaway--my first ever:)

Simply leave your name and email in the comment section and a winner will be selected at random on Wednesday the 20th. The lucky recipient will receive one roll of 24" by 10" laminated vinyl shelf paper in the pattern of her choice. Shipping and CA sales tax included.

Maybe you'll go for the distressed damask

I do love it. Or you could go with this for a tropical feel

or here for classic feminine

or here

the antique ceiling tiles are pretty cool. There are a couple hundred options so you should be covered for the kitchen or hutch or bar or bathroom or.....baby room.

FUN! And promise me you'll let us see the results.