Eleven

Happy New Year!!!

Oh how are you?! I thought everyone in blog land took a holiday between Christmas and New Year's and one day I was trolling around and lo, there were entries. There were things to read. People even posted ON the holidays. Sorry I didn't. Sometimes it's amazing to be away from the computer for no other reason than that you can be.

We had a grand time. Went to Taos to see my family where there was a lot of reading (I'm almost finished with Freedom, which, despite mixed reviews, I highly recommend), a lot of "Dexter"-watching (Sky and I are addicted. Just finished Season 3 on New Year's Day when I confess we watched 5 episodes.), good eating

fresh pasta. YUM

and a gorgeous walk to the edge of the Rio Grande Gorge.

I love it in Taos. My soul gets quiet. And we bought a camera! Which means no more iphone-only-photography!

It's a New Year.

Any thoughts?

I'm not a resolution-maker per se, but I do always take time to reflect on the past year and set intentions for the new one. Sometimes they're hyper-specific, with dollar amounts of money I plan to make and numbers of auditions I plan to go on and detailed lists of home improvements. Last year was kind of like that. As specific as I get though, for me it works to frame it energetically. They're not carved in stone and they're not made because my head thought they were good ideas and I better get my s**t together or else. I want the external things I'm going after to be tied to something I'm working on in myself. Last year I titled Experiencing My Potential and I had lists like the ones I described. The point was to push myself and see what happened if I stepped way out of the comfort zone.

But a couple of weeks ago I was really down. Not working so much and having one of those "it's never going to happen" spells. Looking back, I think it's because I was sick. But I went back and wrote on the year that was ending. On all the extraordinary things that had happened. I looked at the dream I'd put on paper on January 1, 2010 and I was so proud. I did a lot of what was on there. I did some things that I didn't dream possible that were nowhere on the list. I created a miracle in that I have a totally healthy body where a year ago I wasn't able to have a baby. And I accomplished exactly none of the goals I had set in the kitchen! HA! I might have, had I not done 3 plays back-t0-back. That was a surprise I didn't see coming, and it was better than mastering pie crust. I can take that on this year.

Writing for me is important not to put myself in a box and not to get mad at myself if I don't do everything I said I would, but rather to remind myself what's important. What I value. What I'm inspired by. If I'm chickening out and making excuses to hide from going after something I want, good to get honest about that. If I change my mind and decide something isn't important anymore, I can always revise. It's my life and my dream after all. Visual cues have always been important to me, and if I can see my dream on paper I can remember to go after it with love no matter what.

This year feels different. I'm equally excited but I'm less external- goal-oriented. There are some specific things I'd like to do involving certain projects I'd love to be involved with that I'll put myself out there for. I do want to learn to knit. I'm always working on my relationship to money since it's one where I can get worried and stressed, and I have a goal or 2 around that. But honestly, this year, I'm focusing most on the way I talk to myself. Being more keyed-in than ever on the inner dialogue and creating one that is so loving and so positive and so excited for life. Rather than being scared about money I'm seeing what I can come up with to be in love with it. I'm going to let specific dreams come up when they do and practice manifesting those when they arise. But the overriding theme is radiant joy and deep love, and being incredibly stubborn about not going to the habitual fears I can get mired in. I really and truly believe if we can give that to ourselves life is magnificent.

For me it happens in meditation but it's also a living walking practice. Stopping the stress in its tracks. Replacing the fear with gratitude. Focusing on someone else when I can't focus compassionately on myself (and in fact focusing on someone else most of the time as an antidote to the self-obsession I can fall way too prey to). It's stuff we've all heard so many times, and I don't know about you but I get windows into the crazy peace that's possible when I stop pretending I have to figure everything out. Then I go back to trying to plan, and getting scared my plan isn't going to work, and trying to concoct a plan that will. I don't want to do that this year. I'm doing an experiment: less outside, more inside and we'll see what happens.

What are you up to this year? I'd so love to know.