Wednesday, July 7, 2010

One and the Same

I'm having blogger guilt.
I want to post a lot more than I am right now.
And I am accepting the time-space reality of the super-juicy creative life I have now and that I'm actually not home with my trusty Mac much.
I want to say THANK YOU to you for reading, for commenting, for continuing to visit here even though posts are semi-scarce. I promise there will come a day when I'm here a lot. I have big plans for this little blog.

THANK YOU readers for being the awesome people you are. It means so much to me that you're here.

What I can tell you for today is that I'll be away this weekend with the man on our one weekend trip this summer. I am onstage for all the others, but we're going to make up for it in the fall when we take some kind of big trip.......I'm planning on packing a pink boa in case I feel like doing a spontaneous strip tease.

I mentioned this a week or so ago, but I really believe there's a deep beautiful link between wanting to make a baby and all the creative work that has come into my life. The space of baby-making is about so much surrender and uncertainty. I can't see or hear or sense how my body is changing on the inside. I am doing all I can for her, feeding her well, giving her supplements, having her poked with needles on a weekly basis. I am meditating, praying, journaling, and doing practices that ground me in her rather than always being so in my head. And yet, still the body does what the body does in its own mysterious and wonderful way, and I get to surrender to that. The minute I try to control it or figure it out I just get scared. That happened a week or so ago; I was convinced I wasn't going to have a period, that I'd backslid, and then it happened. Even with my fear, it happened. Big celebration over here as you can imagine.

Creative work, artistry, is so much about the same things. Overthinking is anathema. Control is deadly. And trying to organize when the breakthroughs will happen or how long the process is supposed to take or if it'll be approved by someone else kills the very energy we need to bring the projects to fruition. And sometimes there's fear. And even if there's fear, it doesn't mean the miracle isn't right around the corner.

I've been blessed with now not 2 but 3 amazing jobs right in a row. Roles so good I'd get down on my knees and eat dirt to play them. I can't say with any authority why this is happening now. Why suddenly I'm being given these parts. But I feel very taken care of by the Universe. I know that I have been asking of myself to bring the same sense of openness and surrender into auditions that I have into my relationship with my body. I know I've been focusing more on being in the room, rather than trying to do something spectacular. I know I've been living more in my body--and asking that of myself as an actress in order to support my body's health and happiness---and less in my head.

Though a pregnancy hasn't shown up yet, unbelievable fulfillment in this creative area of my life has. I believe it's all the same energy, so when the time is right the creation of my baby will happen too. It's a really wonderful feeling. And it's what I'm choosing to believe.

So I'll see you next week; I doubt I'll be here before we take off. Happy so-far-summer.

photo by Andy Goldsworthy who always knows how to capture a mystery. If that makes any sense.