"Bather on a Rock" by Pierre August Renoir
I saw this painting for real last week. It is so so so gorgeous. So feminine. I took my mom to the Renoir exhibit at LACMA as part of Mothers' Day....Renoir is the first artist I remember my mom saying she loved. We walked through it together and loved the same ones...Being there I remembered my grandmother, and how much she loved looking at and thinking about art, how she knew so much history about so many pieces, how we ran (literally) through the Louvre together when I was 13 because we had limited time and there were certain pieces I HAD to see, according to her. All of a sudden, through these paintings, I felt connected to this lineage of women in my family---I imagine my great-grandmother, for all the eccentric things I've heard about her, would have loved the exhibit too. The apples don't fall far from the tree, and it's nice to feel connected to generations before in sudden unexpected moments on a could-have-been-any day. Have you thought about yours?
I do think about this, of course, as I dream about having kids. What are mine going to get from me and who can I be now to be the best possible parent to them? Several of you responded that you want to hear more about some things I'm doing for my health to make the baby miracle more possible. So today's the day!
I had my third call with Alisa at Laughing Sage on Tuesday and we got way into the energetic part of healing. I've been rocking my food plan---little to no gluten and sugar (did you know--I didn't--that there's a link between infertility issues and gluten??? Don't go crazy now but should you ever need this info it's out there) and way more thought to different nutrient ratios at each meal. Let me pause here and say the very act of eating according to someone else's plan for me is divine intervention. I am one of those girls that don't like anyone telling me what to eat and when to eat it and I consider it a freaking miracle that I am not only willing but HAPPY to do this. And feeling great! God/The Universe/My Deepest Self definitely does for me what I cannot do for myself.
So we were talking and I told her what's been coming up for me is this lack of trust that my body can get better. This fear that this isn't going to work for me. A deep down quiet fear. Relate? Maybe not to this issue but is or has there been somewhere in your life you're scared you're going to fail but you pretend you've got it handled? That fear is almost shameful--like you really don't want anyone to know, or if they do know you make light of it because if anyone knew how bad you feared it they'd think you were a total freak? In our call one of the things we discussed is that the antidote to not trusting isn't "trusting more". Because Guess What you can't make yourself do that. The antidote is compassion. If it's the heart that connects the mind and the body (the heart is right there in the middle) it's a good idea to come from there when bridging a gap between the two. I've talked about this a lot in my yoga classes, and I felt such relief when she said it. I've been putting so much pressure on myself to Believe Believe Believe. I told you I have that perfectionism thing. And now my only job is to be super-sweet and kind to myself and---this is important, maybe turn the music down--MAKE A DECISION. Make a decision I'm getting better. No ifs ands or buts.
You've heard this before, right? Like attracts like, commit and Fate commits with you, you experience what you focus on---I know you have. Yet for me when I'm in the middle of something painful it's like I lose all my skills to do that. I know I know what to do, yet I feel I can't. That's when I need someone inspiring, like Alisa yesterday, to say it. I hear it again, and suddenly my willingness comes back. Like when your coach told you absolutely no doubt about it you could get that ball in the basket. You knew you could, you just needed to be reminded. Have your re-inspirerers on speed dial.
I sat down this morning to meditate, and before I did read a few pages of the most recent Wayne Dyer book and it occurred to me: it's my body's natural state to be healthy; it's my body's natural state to be able to have kids. That's part of the deal when being born a girl. All I'm doing now is returning my body to its natural state by believing in the mysterious processes that let that happen. I don't micromanage breathing and it happens beautifully; I don't need to micromanage this and control how it's all happening. My job is simply to treat my body really well and believe in it. Maybe a little less doing and a little more being, which is, in itself, divinely feminine. Decision made. Which means when sneaky fear comes up I get to say "Thank you for sharing. Now shut the F up and get out of my head I have way better things to do." You are totally allowed to talk to your fear that way:)
I'm going to leave it at that for now. I have to pack to go to New Mexico because I'm going to see my dad and stepmom this weekend and I am SO EXCITED. Taos is one of the most healing places on Earth to me. Looking forward to doing a lot of mountain-gazing and playing-with-dogs. I am so grateful to have this chance to trust and believe in another miracle. My mom and grandmothers have done it a lot so I have faith in myself.
*Also want to say to those of you who wanted specifically to know about effects of birth control on the body that I will get to that soon! And if you have specific questions just let me know.
Wishing you a wonderful rest of your week and weekend. Let me know your thoughts.