The Luella by Cynthia Vincent in nude. That has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post.
How was your weekend? I was up til 7am on Saturday morning as I had an all-night shoot on Friday for this rad show followed by a callback for a play 3 hours later. I was so tired when I lay down for 2 hours that I forgot to set my alarm. The Universe worked a miracle and had my friend Alysia call me at 9:30am which woke me up. I was out of the house SEVEN MINUTES LATER and on my way to Pasadena. Good thing I still had eye makeup on from the shoot. I made it.
Sky and I walked to Gjelina for dinner on Saturday, put our name on the list, came back an hour later and got in. Another miracle. It was so good--I hadn't eaten there in a while and was excited to see what spring treats they were serving up. I am a fava bean ho and sho nuff they had some, served barely past raw with paper thin radishes, parsley, and pecorino. MMMMMMMMM. Then we had the cauliflower which we always get: roasted til its charred in lots of vinegar. And third miracle: Sky agreed to something other than the Margarita pizza. Kristina and I get to bond that our favorite thing to do when dining out is try the most unusual-sounding thing on the menu and we married boys that could eat the same three things for the rest of their lives. We had a pizza with heirloom spinach from that amazing vendor at the Wednesday farmers' market whose name I forget, asiago and a garlic confit. I am allowed to practice the 80/20 rule on my gluten-sugar-free plan so I made that 20% count. After dinner we had salted caramel gelato from Nice Cream which is lighter than a lot of ice creams I swear.
Now that I know I can eat a little bread once in a while I feel I can confidently keep my New Year's promise to perfect pizza crust and macarons.
As it usually does, fatigue set in a couple of days late and today I've been dragging. And that too is interesting because I have to make a decision about a project I could work on for the summer and I'm finding it very difficult. And that's what I want to talk a bit about.
So often I, anyway, think I have to reason myself into a decision when I find it difficult. Of course there's nothing like the deep peace you get when you know unquestionably the right answer. But what about when that doesn't happen? What about when there are pros and cons and your heart feels split and both sides sound good and both sides have drawbacks? That's my day today. Here's how I'm handling it:
1. Buy some time: it's really ok to say I Don't Know! Then name a date you think you can make a decision by and ask for that. I got so nervous doing this! Like "Oh I don't want them to think I'm not grateful or excited! Oh they'll change their minds! Oh, I'll look like a diva!" NONE of these things are true. It is the absolute worst decision you can make ever to say Yes or No to something when you're really not sure for the sake of trying to make someone like you or approve.
2. Make a pros and cons list. Practical and helpful. Gets things on paper and might clear some rattling chatter from your head and let you see in black (or if you're using colored ink that color...) and white what you're drawn to and what's got you wanting to pull back. (By the way I like these Sharpie Ultra Fine Point markers for writing. Martha does too! They're in her May issue)
3. Talk it over with people who know you well, whose feedback you value, who you know aren't going to jump in there and try to tell you what to think or do.
4. Get out a journal and see what comes out.
5. Meditate on it. Literally. Ask before you do that you hear the right answer for you and that you trust it.
6. When that doesn't work and your brain keeps nattering away walk down to the ocean (or its equivalent in beauty and magnitude), look out in front of you, take some deep breaths, and maybe just sit in the not knowing. It's only Monday after all, and you said you'd let them know on Wednesday.
All I know right now is I am waiting to hear from myself What's the Decision of Faith and What's the Decision of Fear. When I get that answer I'll know exactly what to say and it will feel SO GOOD.